Jen: Hey guys, it's Jen. Today we're doing something a little bit different, where we are going on a live trip out of the studios. We are going on a live journey to lunch with Cassondra and her new baby, who is six months old this weekend! Happy six months, Marlo.
Cassondra: [to Marlo] There you go! Now you feel like you're a part of it? We growing some teeth right now, huh? [Marlo sneeze.] Oh, bless you. [Marlo noise] That’ll occupy him for a while.
Jen: So tell us, where do babies come from?
Cassondra: They come from DMs to comedians on Instagram.
Jen: Oh no! Okay, when did you find out?
Cassondra: I was five weeks pregnant when I found out.
Jen: Like literally the period situation?
Cassondra: My period was a few days late, and my boobs just hurt really bad. Like, I couldn't even put on a shirt.
Jen: Wow.
Cassondra: But, I had been told I was infertile my whole life.
Jen: Oh no.
Cassondra: Yeah, I had like a procedure done. I'm still, like, confused as to what it was, because the OB, my OB now, was like, well, your tubes are like, they're like, they were soldered, but like, but it was like from the inside, basically. So, yeah, but, so basically they were like...
Jen: So, there wasn't scar tissue where there was expected to be scar tissue, basically?
Cassondra: Yeah, so I was supposed to be infertile, but... Yeah. I just had sex with this guy once.
Jen: Escaping egg, yeah. What was your favorite part of being pregnant? [silence] There wasn't one? People are always like, I love it, I love it so much, I'm so good at this, and...
Cassondra: It's terrible.
Jen: Okay. What was the worst part?
Cassondra: Definitely the last month when I like legitimately thought I was going to die.
Jen: Yeah, and what was that syndrome called?
Cassondra: Cholestasis of pregnancy.
Jen: Okay, and what does that mean? What does that mean? What do you, what is happening to your body?
Cassondra: Your liver actually starts to like reject the fetus, and it starts to like attack it as if it's whatever, and...
Jen: A parasite.
Cassondra: Yeah, and it starts like poisoning you and the fetus.
Jen: Oh my god, like releasing like biles into your system or something? Like, into your lymphatic system?
Cassondra: Essentially, yes.
Jen: Wow.
Cassondra: And I had severe preeclampsia by that point, too. But I didn't even have pre— or I didn't even have the thing before it, I always forget what it's called, but I didn't even have that. Like, and then all of a sudden, like three days before they induced me, it just like skyrocketed, like my blood pressure skyrocketed, everything went crazy.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: And then they induced me.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: It was wild, yeah. But I would say like the first trimester is pretty bad, because you feel like you're like really like hot all the time, like temperature-wise. And you feel like really hungover, just like constantly. And like you can't eat really, like everything, you're always nauseous. [Marlo cry] Oh yeah? Yeah, and I literally just like was in a daze, like I don't know how I survived it, it was gnarly. I was just like doing hair and I would run and like, I like can't puke. Like I like can't, I like won't puke.
Jen: Like emetophobically? Or like your esophagus doesn't work that way, like a pigeon?
Cassondra: I just like can't, like it's so weird, like I have puked, but like even during that, with how bad it was, I've puked twice. In that entire three months, like it was crazy. So I was just living there, like, with the nauseous of like, on the brink of puking constantly. Yeah.
Jen: So 10-10, 10-10 would recommend, is what we're saying.
Cassondra: Make sure it's really worth it to you.
Jen: Why did you decide to have him? You figured if he made it this far.
Cassondra: It really just seemed like it was supposed to happen. Like you know, it's just I don't, I, yeah, I'm like this is crazy that this happened. Like the chances of it were so low and yeah, so yeah, why not, you know? Yeah.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: Yeah. And now it's like, I mean, I don't have any sort of regret. Like now it's like totally worth it. You know, like now that I'm on the other side of everything. But during it, there are many times where I was like, is this really like?
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: Yeah. And it's hard to explain that because it's like, it's such a just like unique feeling, like the connection you have with your child.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: Yeah, it's just, it's, it's not something that you can be like, oh, it like feels like this. And that's why it's worth it. So nobody can really like explain to you. You know. Would I do it again, though? No.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: Absolutely not. So yeah.
Jen: Step on the other side of the bushes in a minute. Hide back there.
Cassondra: No, yeah, you're fine.
Jen: No, like literally just right behind here. The wind's blowing in the other direction. The vape I have makes me cough. And like, in such a way that I'm going to get, I'm getting medical imaging to figure out why my pelvis hurts because I cough so hard. Like I might have given myself a hernia from smoking weed. I think I have cystic ovaries, not polycystic ovarian syndrome, but like a lot of ovarian cysts because I've had, I had one rupture before and it almost killed me.
Cassondra: Yeah.
Jen: I guess it didn't almost kill me, but I mean, it could have. I survived it. It went, I went to the— [unfamiliar child screams] Oh!
Cassondra: Is that that baby?
[unfamiliar child screams again]
Jen: I think there might be a toddler somewhere over there too. I know that it's quite the vocal.
Cassondra: That was funny. All the moms just went. [ =0 ] Do you not like edibles?
Jen: Oh, I’m on them right now.
Cassondra: Oh so you’re just…
Jen: It fills in like, the blanks, kind of? I’m basically just an addict, that’s all. I need like, a touch up on the daily pill. That’s basically it. No, I am on them right now [package wrinkles], the problem is I think I just get a tolerance to them faster, I guess. Like the first couple knocked me on my ass. Every time I take a new edible it knocks me on my ass, and then if I take another one, it’s not the same.
Cassondra: Oh, okay.
Jen: And the synthetic ones seem to be even like—
[kid screams]
[random conversation]
[knife SCHINGS]
Cassondra: Maybe she doesn’t want one, I dunno.
Jen: But then it's exactly the worst—
Cassondra: ARG!
Jen: Oh, no. Oh, are you okay? Toe?
Cassondra: Yeah, the knife landed on my toe. Thank you.
Jen: Yeah. And it's always like—
Cassondra: You got a boogie in there.
Jen: Do you have one of those sucky cups for his ears and nose?
Cassondra: Yeah, but for his nose, they actually have this thing called the Nose Frida now. It's a thing you put on there and you suck with your mouth. [Jen dies] But it has a filter in it. So you don't put their boogers like in it.
Jen: No. I still am not comfortable. Does it work better? Like well?
Cassondra: Oh, yeah. Yeah, it takes it right out. When we were sick this week, I used it and it worked really well on him.
Jen: Do you have a special hamper for his clothes? I know diapers require a hamper thing and stuff, but do you have a special hamper for his clothes?
Cassondra: No. And diapers can just go in the trash, it's fine.
Jen: Oh, you don't do cloth?
Cassondra: Oh, no. There's no way I could keep up with that.
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: I wish I could, but there's just no way.
Jen: I don't know anything about it.
Cassondra: Yeah, well they go through like, they could go through, sometimes he goes through up to eight diapers a day.
Jen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Cassondra: Yeah, and I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment.
Jen: Oh, really?
Cassondra: It's in the building, but it's still, I gotta bring him with, do the whole thing, you know. Why aren't you burping? You gotta burp, baby. Yeah, you're wiggling around.
Jen: What happens if you don't—[Marlo burps] oh. What, what happens if you don't burp a baby?
Cassondra: Um, he'll just get like gas and stuff. Oh my foot got fucked up.
Jen: Huh? Oh, no, dude. Jeez. Oh, I thought I had Band-Aids.
Cassondra: Sharp butter knife.
Jen: Wow. Just gonna give the dog her snack pack. We love apples. Dogs can have apples, right?
Cassondra: I think so.
Jen: Yeah, I think so. They just can't have the seeds.
Cassondra: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's in Bianca’s food. [drops pacifier] Yeah. Can you reach that?
Jen: Yeah.
Cassondra: Just make sure the thing stays upright.
Jen: So you wipe them if they're right side up, and you wash them if they're right side down?
Cassondra: Yeah, because it didn't touch the ground or anything, so it's probably fine.
Jen: Yeah. I would think it would be fine if it was face down, too. I'd be like... I don't know. Considering I ate ants on purpose, I wonder if I... You know, it's like...
Cassondra: Yeah, right? Oh no. Are you pooping? You're making a pooping face.
Jen: Oh, is it poop time? Poop! Are those koala things easy to use, or no? Those koala shelves in the bathrooms? The baby changing tables?
Cassondra: Oh, I never used one.
Jen: Oh, really?
Cassondra: Yeah.
[Marlo pukes]
Jen: Ohkay….
Cassondra: Is he stressing you out?
[Marlo coughs]
Jen: Oh!
Cassondra: His pediatrician put it the best way. She's like, they just have, like... The connections in their brain haven't fully formed. So they'll just, like, fire off randomly, so that's why they're so, like, jerky and stuff. They, like, don't have control over any of it yet.
Jen: That's funny.
Cassondra: Yeah.
Jen: Alright, guys, it's time. Take a listen to this weird noise that I caught in the background. I'm going to play it three times. It would be awesome if you would email me at oldbodies.podcast at gmail.com and tell me what you think it is. I don't want to tell you until I get enough responses. Here it is.
[spooky howl x3]
So, yeah, that's the noise!
