Hey guys, and especially guys, you guys, listen up. Hey, stop hitting on people with whom you have a client-provider relationship. I'm not a hooker (anymore). Someday I'm going to have to talk about the sex work.
Hey guys, it's Jen. This is why I do hair under a different name. And look, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this also from the perspective of somebody who is trying to encourage a friend to meet people, some of whom are in like, a service capacity to him at the time. And it makes sense that people would, you know, meet somebody that they're attracted to, and there does happen to be a client-service power imbalance in one way or another. Even if that is the case, and you're trying to figure out a way to nicely navigate the situation, this is not that.
I don't want to give advice because I don't think that most men deserve it, but this is more preemptive advice for the women in these situations. This is advice that kind of puts them more in a comfortable position when they say no to you.
This is a man whose hair I cut once as a randomly assigned client to the salon I used to work at. He asked to follow my Instagram, and I said sure because my Instagram is only hair and politics. It has nothing to do with me in any way. I don't even think I've posted a selfie in months, so it's not like there's any personal connection to me there. It is the best way to book appointments.
New management came in to the salon. New owners took over and fired several of us. I'll get into that some other time because I got some shit to say. But— [coughing] sorry, bong hit too big. That actually has something to do with why I was fired.
The day after I get fired, I happen to have a bunch of clients contact me, and this guy was one of them. He asked me what the price was, and the thing is, I know that he asked me what the price was, and I told him, and I'll tell you guys, and so you can decide— I don't care if this plays into this in any way for you, but I charge $125 an hour for a standard men's haircut. It takes 30 minutes, which would be $62.50.
Whenever somebody asks how much I charge, I know that they are going to cancel their appointment. It is just a fact, that asking how much something is indicates that you're not sure if you are in the position to value this above something else.
I get it, I do it all the time. It's why I only get Botox twice a year. I'm not in the position to value those things above something else. I don't know where the money, I just can't even imagine it.
Anyway. But look, it just happens all the time, and usually, honestly, the people who ask that are also people who don't really cancel. They just ghost, which is even worse. They would not have shown up to the appointment, and they probably wouldn't have said anything until they got that confirmation text. So of course, that's what happens. He says, I actually have to cancel. I got called to set.
If you got called to set, isn't the first thing you would do is look at your day and figure out all the things you had to move around? I hate it when people say that. Yes, things occur. It doesn't mean that you don't follow up on everything that this is replacing in your day. It's so weird. That's such a weird logical gap that so many people have and accept. Just because something comes up doesn't mean that you don't have other things to take care of and move around. Don't tell me that your mind goes completely blank and you become solely focused on one thing. And if you do, well, you have an executive dysfunction. And I'll tell you what, I'm also really sick of executive dysfunctions becoming an excuse. If you know that there's a problem, it is your responsibility to work on getting better.
Let's rewind.
He messaged me on Instagram asking if I did house calls, because Jose told him that he did house calls. I don't do house calls, but I do have a studio if you wanted to come there. I know that Jose only charges like $35, so I know that he decided that Jose was a better bet financially.
The vibe I got from the messages, when I say vibe, I don't mean that there was some kind of shade or undertone to the messages. I mean that I get feelings from reading things. I get people's true intentions behind their messages in a weird way. I can read well between the lines into the ether when people write things.
So I said, yeah, sure, great, have a great day, because when people lie to me, I just Yes-And them. What's the point of saying anything else? But there is this weird lead up lie— I don't need you as a client. I provide a service that you need. I have the power.
So I say, oh, that's fantastic. Have fun. Have a great day. Keep me posted and let me know about the next one.
That was three weeks ago.
Sometime within the six o'clock hour, so perhaps at the end of a very nice happy hour, he decided to send me a message. That I was sexy. With a winky emoji— No, I'm sorry, not even a winky emoji. A winky emoticon, the typed one. I actually can't decide if that's better or worse. And I see it at nine at night because I have a life.
I just say, I don't care what you think. This is a huge breach of client boundaries and I'm no longer accepting your appointments and you are blocked as well. And I can do that, as somebody who is now working independently. Because, I gotta be honest, if you're not paying me, you can't talk to me that way. If you can't afford my haircuts, then you can't afford me. What are you thinking? You don't value me, no?
Oh, like, well, can't a guy just shoot a shot? You know, I have a friend who did something similar. He sent a really lame text message to this bartender… and it worked. And I think that it's because he is a repeat customer who has shown, through financial means, that he values her in some way. I can't even imagine being in a relationship with somebody who deemed me too expensive, but then still wanted to be with me.
Oh, you can't shoot your shot? Shooting a shot respectfully is asking somebody out for coffee, or to a wine bar. That is shooting your shot. Without other information as to their relationship status or— quite honestly, I get they-them’d a lot— So perhaps regarding my gender and my sexuality— The best way to learn immediately is to ask them on a date. But he didn't do that.
He just said, you're sexy ;) and I'm supposed to bite?
I know, motherfucker! I know I'm sexy. It's actually why you've never even seen my body. Because when I work at the salon, I wear a robe to cover my clothes, to keep the hair off, and to keep the eyeballs off my butt. I also wear a mask.
So I really don't think that he knows that I'm sexy. I think that this guy was just this. I he just he wasn't. I guess what I'm saying is that he wasn't shooting his shot with me. He was just kind of scattering his seed to the wind. And I happened to catch a stray. That's gross.
If you do want to shoot your shot with somebody who you've seen at a store or in a bar, and you don't really know how to approach it, the best way is just to ask them out for a coffee. The best way is actually to give them $50, and then the next time you see them, ask them out for coffee. And you know, that shouldn't even be advice, that should just be how people are. There's no winky face involved in this. Just, I, again, can only assume that he had a really great happy hour and just kind of scattershot through the DMs. But don't do that. Don't do that. It's really, it's not that hard. It's not that hard to not do something. This is why I do hair under a different name.
Of course, this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me, to any female stylist.
Back when everything shut down, I took a few clients here and there. And one of them was a regular client from the salon that so far I hadn't had any real problems with. I did one house call for him during the pandemic and it was fine.
There is an intimacy to house calls. I don't know if it's to going into somebody else's space that crosses a certain kind of boundary that, unless reinforced, seems to be forever broken.
After the pandemic, when things slowly started to reopen, I went into business with a friend of mine. As part of our salon, we had a shared online phone number through which clients could book appointments. Both of us had access to the number. We also agreed that there'd be no reason for us to check it if we weren't in the salon. One day when my business partner is in the salon by herself, I get a text from my business partner and she's like, can you please log into the system? Your client keeps calling and I don't really know what to say to him.
And I'm like, okay… I take a look and he has written like, helloooooo???? And he's made several calls that, of course, went unanswered because my business partner was unavailable.
It was just so… I assume he wants an appointment. So I say, hi, I'm not in today. I can see you tomorrow at 10. And I don't get a response. Fine.
The next day at something like 10:15, I get a message telling me that he's running late for our appointment.
So I log into the fucking thing. I text him and I say, what are you talking about? We didn't make an appointment. And then he calls and because I'm in the number, I can answer it.
He says, yesterday you told me you had an availability.
I said, you didn't confirm that you wanted that availability.
And he goes, oh, okay, well that's both our faults, I guess.
I'm like, no, it's not both our faults. It's your fault. He asked me if this was my number. And I said, it's the best number to reach me.
He's like, okay. He seemed suspicious of that.
And I realize now that he probably thought that I was pretending to be two different people on text instead of understanding that more than one person can have access to the same phone number, especially if it's a business text line. So, he was either acting like I was pretending to be two different people, or that I was pretending to have two different phone numbers.
And the thing is, I wasn't pretending to have two different phone numbers. That was my business number, he had my business number. That was all he was entitled to.
Until, I'm assuming, until the next time he needed a haircut, when I got a text on my personal phone number that was just like, hey, is this Jen?
I said, who's this?
He goes, oh, it's your client. I want to book an appointment.
I said, you can't book an appointment at this number. I don't even know how you got this number. And I'm going to make sure that you can no longer use this number. And I blocked him.
I did not care if he was going to make an appointment through the correct phone number. I was really annoyed that he'd reached out to me on my personal line when I wasn't at work. And truly, I had no idea— I was a little scared— I had no idea how he'd gotten my phone number.
And I thought back to the first time during the pandemic, where he didn't answer the door, I gave him a phone call from my cell.
He had gone all the way back in time to find that phone number, to get a hold of me.
And I just thought that was so fucking weird, and rude, and annoying because he had a number at which to book appointments, but he didn't like it for whatever reason. Again, maybe he thought I was pretending to be two different people, which why wouldn't I just do that on my home phone, too?
I guess I could have even done that then just when he was like, is this Jen? I could have said, no, it's Eduardo.
Combining that with the casualness with which he spoke to me and with which he expected me to be available. I did not have any interest in having him be able to contact me in any way.
So I changed my number and I changed my name. I shouldn't have to do that. Nobody should have to do that. But we do because no matter what, men out there acting way too fuckin’ familiar.
[~*guitar solo*~]
