Hey guys, it's Jen.
I just put something together from some drama that happened when I was 14 fucking years old: This kid on the outside of my friend group, he had an asthma attack, and he ended up in the hospital. I don't remember how much longer later, but at some point, somebody says to me, Yeah, Jared was really upset at how much you disliked him. He had no idea.
And I said, What are you talking about?
And they said, Well, you were really glad when he was in the hospital with an asthma attack.
And I said, What are you talking about?
And they were like, I heard you. You said, Oh, good, when you found out he was in the hospital.
And I was like, Oh, that's sarcasm.
This entire time, several of my friends thought that I literally… I didn't dislike him, I can't even imagine… But also the fact that instead of saying, What do you mean by that, Jen? They decided to go and tell the kid who was in the hospital, that I had said, Oh, good to him being there? I hope all of these people actually have asthma attacks on a regular basis nowadays, because that's crazy shit stirring. Why were these people my friends? I really don't understand a lot of the social interactions I've had in my life. Oh, my God.
I talk a lot about times I've been wronged. And I feel like people need to know that I have a little bit of self awareness, and that there are definitely times I've been the asshole.
One that comes to mind is when I had to officially break up with a friend, because I didn't know any other way to form boundaries around specific life situations that I felt their presence intruded upon. There must be a cleaner way to say that, I'll think of it someday. Basically, I felt a little bit single white female’d, and I don't think it was her fault or intention. I think that I just had a lot of fun stuff going on, and she wanted to work with the people that I did.
And I feel bad that I sabotaged that, I guess. Instead of encouraging her to hook up with my manager, I broke up with her. I emailed her and said, I need to end our friendship, because I feel suffocated and things like that.
It may have been during a particularly bad bout of PMS. But there was a time when I went to work and everybody said, Where's your friend? Where's your friend?
I said, Why can't you just say hi to me?
I realized that it was just odd that I was alone. I realized that that had to change because it was true. I felt triggered and threatened, concerned that my friend was going to treat me the way that people like my cousin Susan had, where they entered the scene and overtook the spotlight.
I was wrong to be triggered by that, I know that now. I do think that if we had been friends, that whole time, I would have never met and married my first husband. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go out on a date. What I mean by that is I, I don't think the same opportunity to date would have presented itself. There is something about the availability to date where I was already so full from having somebody else occupy my time, almost in a relationship type way.
I tend to do that as a person who just, I guess is codependent, but I formed strong bonds with one person at a time. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I also had to learn about what I wanted from my strong bonds and what each of them meant to me and what part of my life they occupied. And I had to learn that not everybody could occupy the same spaces or else you wouldn't have opportunities for other things to come along.
I reached out, apologized. We cried.
I think about if I had to do it again, what I would have done differently. If I would have said anything at all, if I would have tried to pull away, I couldn't figure out a way that made logical sense beyond the way that I did it at the time. Of course, I believe that things happen over a reason and that we make choices that do go on to define the rest of our lives, even if we can't really see it at the time. But I would have been more gentle, I think, because a lot of times feedback and criticism comes from a place of hurt rather than a place of support and desire for progress and betterment and communication.
I was once sent into a surprise tailspin by a photo of a package I received from a friend. For some reason, I had assumed that she was sending me a photo of something that her horrible, abusive situation man had sent her, as though he would send her a threatening package labeled explosive device.
Looking back, I think she sent me a photo of a package that I had sent her that had been lost in the mail for months, so it wasn't on my mind anymore. What was on my mind was her relationship and the lies that I thought she'd been keeping about it.
Every once in a while people will tell me a truth about themselves that perhaps they didn't even know they were keeping from me that fills in a lot of holes in stories that I've heard, and that happened in her situationship when she told me that she lied to her therapist about how frequently she was seeing her abusive ex.
That morning, I exploded at her because I couldn't stop thinking about that. Obviously easily perceived as out of nowhere, and even once I explained why I was angry, she said I was just making assumptions. We never did address what the package actually was, and I still don't know because we blocked each other.
I feel bad about the surprise attack, but I don't regret ending the friendship and I have to remind myself of that. I went about it the wrong way but in the dissolution, in the argument that we had, I knew that I was making the right decision because she didn't understand my complaints or what I was saying about the situation.
In fact she kept comparing her abusive boyfriend to my man who was not abusive ever, but at the time had a drug problem and didn't want to move in with me because he was a train wreck. Her man, it's honestly not my place to say but let me just tell you that they comparatively are not the same person, and it was offensive, it was insulting that she would compare the two in conversation and tell me that I needed boundaries. That I needed defined times when my man would come and go. I said, that's like the opposite of what I want, I want him to be here as much as possible.
I now think that she was parroting what her therapist had told her to do, how to handle her situation, and she couldn't see the difference.
To her, they were mirror images of each other, or I guess close enough that she thought the advice that she was receiving was more applicable to me. Even as we were breaking up and, you know, dramatically thumbsing each other back and forth, she said this is so uncalled for Jen, I always listen to you, as though I owed her listening to repeated stories of abusive behavior and justifications thereof. And you don't, you don't owe somebody who is in an abusive relationship that kind of leeway with how they occupy your time.
Much like the way I wanted to stop addressing my friend's abusive relationship that she wouldn't address herself, I was the asshole the time my husband's friend knocked up my friend. After she took care of the situation, he was a complete sociopathic fuckboy, probably the first one I had ever honestly seen, and there was no term for it at the time. I called him out on it every chance I got. I thought I had her back covered, but when she got pregnant I found out that no, in fact neither of them agreed on it, and it wasn't it wasn't my decision to make from an outsider's perspective as to what kind of relationship they were actually in.
Along with the abortion, that relationship ended, but so did my friendship with her. Not because I initially met her through my husband, and therefore couldn't be friends with anybody that his friend was no longer with.
It was that she went so bonkers in her grief, that was definitely caused by him and the situation that he had ensnared her in, I agree. I understand, but I couldn't handle it at the time. When the situation calmed down, I said hey, you know, I really felt like this was out of line.
Early on in our friendship, a similar thing occurred after the death of her father, where she had gone drinking at the bar next to my apartment, and rang my bell. When I wasn't home, my husband let her in and dealt with her, and I don't think he should have. I feel like it was really really boundary breaking for her to even ask that of him, or even me. If I was home, I don't know that I would have accepted her into the house. At the time, I was looking for jobs. it's possible that if I weren't that day, then I may have been drinking at the bar with her, and already available to be supportive. I guess that's the key is the availability there, and instead of accepting the availability, she intruded.
I still feel like an asshole for the way that ended. Except that when she got a new ipad she lent me her old one for like a week. I can't remember why I initially wanted it, I think to go on a trip. When she got the new ipad, she said don't worry about it, just keep the old one.
After things fell apart, she contacted me out of the blue to say that her mom needed the ipad, so she needed it back. I was just like wow, okay, okay. We met at the mall and I gave it back to her. She had a guy with her for backup, a guy who I'd worked on a music video with, a guy that wasn't quite her boyfriend at her behest.
I said I'm sorry I lost the otterbox and then I walked away before she could say anything. I didn't want to deal with it. If it really matters, right now I'll venmo her $45.
I once had a client named Nico who became a friend, the kind of person who whenever she needed something, I would do her hair for free in my apartment. She was so excited at my availability and skill that she became somewhat demanding of my time and services. She was also concerned about spending as little money as possible and she would vacillate back and forth between things like what color she wanted.
I ordered her a bunch of products on my professional account. When they came I gave them to her. I told her that I probably didn't have the time, because I was very busy at my new job, it's a good thing I gave her the product, so she could find somebody else, or she could wait until I had the time.
And then I went to do a client. When I came back, I had like 35 fucking missed calls from her, and I said I'm not going to discuss this with you again, and then I blocked her.
I regret not discussing it with her again. I wish that I had said hey to be clear this is no longer going to work within my time frame and since you're not paying me I can't do it. She said it wasn't fair, that she wouldn't have paid for all the product if I couldn't do it.
I understand the logic of it, but the whole time she was the one who wanted to do this project, she wanted to get these products, and she wanted me to do it.
Later when I was telling this to another friend of mine, he said oh she is the bougie girl who thinks that she has the insider connection. She thinks she's better than you.
I couldn't explain it but that is how it felt. It felt that I should be honored to do her hair. This isn't the first time I've felt that way, that I should be completely willing to accept any kind of work at any cost or barter, which is just simply not fucking true. I have a price and I stick to it, because that's how much I value myself.
Oh, and she also had an abusive boyfriend. One time, I did her hair and I couldn't find my sunglasses afterward. I was so convinced that she had taken them, until I opened up my hair kit one day and I realized that in my hurry, I had thrown my sunglasses in in my bag along with my hair products.
I knew that the relationship was over. I had already, in my head, accused her of stealing my sunglasses, even though I hadn't accused her out loud. I just said well shit this friendship is over, because I thought that of her, and that was bad enough.
That was probably the reason why I had decided that I didn't have the time to do her hair any longer, because I found those sunglasses and I realized how I truly felt. It made me sad and conflicted, and I justified what I did and how I felt by thinking it through if we were ever to be on an episode of Judge Judy. I thought about our arguments from an outsider's perspective, and I thought that I would win.
It didn't necessarily feel any better to know that I would be open to taking a friend onto a onto a tv court show.
From my former friends’ perspectives, my anger came out of nowhere. Everything was a total surprise to them. I can understand that because a lot of times people don't listen to me, or they don't take me seriously. There are so many times I've expressed a real concern and and received an oh Jen in response. Well then I'm no longer going to say anything, and I'm just going to think it.
I haven't had to end a friendship in a while, I've just kind of dodged and weaved and let things settle and hoped for the best, and eventually we've all come back around and reconnected. I'd like to think that nowadays if I had to end a friendship, I'd know how to do it, or I'd know how to avoid having to end it by taking a break and having the right kind of boundaries. Maybe I do, since I haven't had to do that lately, I don't know.
In telling these stories, my goal is not to talk shit or make other people sound unfavorable, my goal is just to tell the truth. I try not to tell too much of other people's stories because that's just bordering on empty gossip, but I do try to include some relevant information in order to give context to my suppositions.
In thinking about what kind of storyteller I'd like to be, I'd like to subtweet so loudly that the truth snakes back in time and smacks these people in the face. I once wrote on my Myspace blog about the mistakes that a boozehound friend of mine was making. I alluded to her having a wild night out, not inviting or telling me about it because she knew that I would have some shit to say. I don't personally give a fuck who she was out with and what the cause of it was, but it is irritating to hear consistently from somebody's mouth that they have an ideal lifestyle, partner, goal in mind, and yet they keep making choices that are decidedly not steps toward that goal.
I saw your little post about your boozehound friend she said and… I don't remember what I said. I may have even said hey if you recognize yourself and you have a problem with your portrayal, then maybe consider the way that you're acting.
Elsewise, she wasn't identifiable. It's not as though I described her physically in any way. I don't know that I ever have unless it was favorable or integral to the story. I don't like putting pictures in people's heads of the physical aspects of people because I want these things to be relatable. I have gone through a universal set of experiences but they're so minute that we don't really…
The boozehound said that she was done, and then we never spoke again. For a little while I stayed in contact with a friend who had reported all of the occurrences of that one particular social evening. After a while, she and I had our own issues. She was probably one of the more understanding of friends I ever had.
I just remembered that when my first roommate was moving out, I went to her room and I stole her fake ID. It didn't look like any of us, but I think it looked most like her so she got to keep it.
I took it, which was wrong, and I was an asshole. We were still friends after that but she did move out because I was a bad roommate, and for that I do apologize. She might know, she might remember how over 20 years ago her fake ID went missing.
I once went off on a friend's girlfriend, who had always been kind of condescending about me never having attended a university, when I asked for her assistance in reformatting my resume so that one of the bullet points stayed on one line. I couldn't quite figure out how to do it and I was hoping that a fresh eye would be able to suggest something, perhaps a different word, perhaps a different font.
Instead, what I got was a full critique of all the things I was doing wrong, including bizarrely outdated advice that may only be applicable in academia, which was her field, such as the date of your high school graduation. She said that any degree matters!
I was like no it fucking don't, I'm 30. I went off on her by email. I said that's nothing about what I asked your advice on but I now know exactly what you think of me. And like, how pathetic I am, and how much I need your guidance.
Recently in the last few years, I've noticed that that's fallen out of favor, to critique somebody for not having an education. And in fact higher education has kind of become like a passe pyramid scheme, and I really appreciate that. I feel 25 fucking years ahead of the curve. I do not apologize to her, I don't remember her name.
I can't just start telling stories about times I was an asshole with reason unless…
I felt like an asshole when I was walking down the street and this homeless lady told me that there was something wrong with my dog's ear.
I said no there's not but thank you for your concern. I felt like I could have delivered that nicer. I feel like there's something I'm forgetting.
But hey, if I've ever been an asshole to you, send me an email jenscuts.substack@gmail.com and let me know your side of the story. I'll let you know mine, that's for damn sure.
[~*guitar solo*~]
