Hello, listeners and occasional readers, it is time for listener emails volume two, which I never thought would come. Because I never thought I'd have enough material. I just like to say thank you to my 10 regular listeners and hello to the people in Japan and Germany, that's pretty cool.
In response to A Brief on Grief, one of my closest friends who is now far away, wrote to me that… my grandma passed away from cancer. I watched her fight through it twice. The second time directly in front of me, in the home my mother and I chose. That was a completely different world I truly hope to never be a part of again. My heart goes out to your heart. I know that pain and those questions. I love what you do, please don't stop.
I won't, you know that already. Um, yeah, cancer sucks. I'm kind of frustrated lately because like, okay, I am a very… the word isn't even pragmatic… I just, lately there's been this backlash to like, being sad about people? [My man just got home and he was like, why are you crying? And I was like, cuz!]
Maybe it's just the large amount of Scorpios in my life, but there are so many people who just go, Well, I have a dark sense of humor, So like, cancer is nothing. And I'm like, okay, that's not the same thing. I'm really weird about death. So like, cancer, I don't feel bad for people. And I'm like, Oh, God, that's not-- I hate that. I don't like that. I want to be sad about the people that I'm sad about.
I understand, everything causes cancer; I say this all the time, everything causes cancer, it's kind of unavoidable. It's why I won't treat it, necessarily, If I get it. I'll cut a piece of skin out, I don't really know if I'm going to go beyond that.
Grief and questions. Thanks for writing. Thanks for listening.
This one is actually from my personal account. But because I had to figure out who sent it, I realized that I probably should go look at my public account and see if I'd missed anything. And I did. And that one is going to be last.
This is my personal account. I received this text from a phone number sent to my email. And I didn't recognize the number. So I just thought it was a weird spam kind of thing. But I opened the attachment…
Hey, Jen, I thought I saw you on TV today, but it was somebody else. Which, that hurts my feelings. That means that there's a job out there for me that I didn't get. That stinks. I'm so sorry for the position I put you in. I hope your friendship these days are much healthier than what I brought to the table. I know that the dissolution of our friendship was entirely my fault. I'm not sure who I was trying to be at the end, but it wasn't me.
If you can ever forgive me, I want so badly to have you back in my life somehow. But I also must respect your boundaries. I've sat down to write you this text over and over. And every time I realized that I'm just so wrong and have no defense for my behavior. I hope it doesn't stir up memories of pain that I'm reaching out. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten you or what I did. Please don't feel obligated or pressured to respond to this. But if at any point you find yourself willing to cautiously communicate, I promise to do everything in my power to never treat you that way again. You are the best friend I've ever had. If I could turn back the clock, just have one person in my life that I've lost, it would be you, 100 times over anyone else. Thank you for everything you've done for me.
And I thought, Who is this? I was like, who have I affected so deeply? And it ended so poorly? I know that the dissolution of our friendship was entirely my fault. And I'm thinking of all the friendships that ended because of somebody else. Like, I don't know who this person could— this is one of 50. You are the best friend I have ever had. I know. I am everybody's best friend. If I am your friend, I am your best friend. You may not know my full friend potential, but I am your best friend.
I know this is true. Because I have heard it from everybody I have ever been friends with, who has broken up with me, or treated me so horribly that I had to break up with them. Later, they come back and they say something like this.
They say you were right. You were always right. And you always cared. And you always had my best interests in mind. You were a really great friend. They all say that. And that, you know, obviously hurts my feelings because it's not even that…
I can be a really great friend and you still don't like me. But also, you're choosing shitty people. It makes me feel like less than shit when you choose shit over me.
But that's not what happened here. I eventually remembered who it was. I thought maybe it was my old real estate agent who hit on my husband. I thought maybe it was the girl who stole every boyfriend from me in high school. But no, you know, it was somebody who really was also my best friend. I'd written about him, the time he reached out to contact me in 2020. And I'm sure there was a time in between that that I just had no reason to post about…
In early 2019, after knowing I had gone through a very weird batch of sexual trauma, my gay best friend pulled his dick out on FaceTime for some reason. I have theories about domination and feelings of weakness. But whatever. Also, he was high on 18 substances and going through his own breakups. The next day when I tried to address the violation with him, he argued with me about getting fucked up, saying that I was no better, and everything else an addict always says. I honestly don't know if he was deflecting from the dick thing, or if he'd been blackout, or what. I only told a few people because it was literally the least of my problems. I creeped on him a while ago, and it looked like he's gotten his life together. I stopped thinking about him. I was relieved of the burden of not trying anymore because he was okay.
Then, today, he wrote from a phone number in a new city. I'd be more inclined to talk if he was doing his steps, if he wasn't so nonchalant. I want to remind him of what he did and why we don't talk, but I don't want to upset either of us, since no one has recovered.
Man, he just out of nowhere, he texted me at that point, Hey, it's me.
And I said, Are you doing your steps or like what?
And he said, No, I'm just saying hi, I was just thinking about you.
And I said, I hope you're well. And I blocked his number.
All day. I thought about what I wanted to say to you, and when I wanted the end result to be. I deserve many apologies from you. I miss you. I think about you. I don't want to be friends. I don't want that to hurt you. I'm not sorry. I do hope you are well. And I'm blocking this number too.
This is from another close friend who is a long time. This is from another close friend who is also far away. They're actually kind of close to each other. You know, I wanted to do this road trip where I went to their region of the country and it just hasn't happened yet. But maybe they should be friends.
These are all very valid cries in public. And crying does help! I resisted the feeling for a long time. But you're right, it is cathartic. Plus, I feel like with shit like “don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about” out there, It's kind of powerful to take it back.
I can think of two big times I've cried in public and both were because of men who weren't shit, but I thought they were at the time. Ain't that always the case? I tell you. The most recent one was probably 2018— Oh, good, that was a while ago. At least the most recent big cry was a long time ago— And I broke up with my very bad boyfriend. I was at breakfast with a friend talking about it and I just started crying. It's this kind of trendy always packed hard to get into brunch place and I'm just sitting there crying.
So of course I'm apologizing like “oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing” And my friend is like “no it's not; crying is normal. You had a sad thing happen.” And I did feel a lot better afterwards. We became closer friends too!
The second time was in college when my boyfriend broke up with me. He took me to this really scenic beautiful place on campus that I still somehow have fond memories of. Oh, you're like “I love this park. I cried there.” Who breaks up with someone in a public pretty place?—Yeah, that guy, when he said that there was nobody else while we were standing on a street corner near a marina, he was hoping to take me to a park and end things with me there. I was like, why would you do that? Why would you take me to lunch and then to a park? Yes, I agree. This is fucking stupid.
He breaks up with me because he “just doesn't want to be in a relationship.” And because we “just didn't work together.” —These are in quotes, by the way. Yeah, okay. He didn't want to be in it. Yeah, neither did— Whatever, man. These lies, they're all the same. Why are there really only like five types of dude? What is going on?
I couldn't believe that was the reason. I agree. Definitely. Okay. I couldn't believe that was the reason and I was so frustrated by it. I was crying because of the breakup but also because of my irritation because, what the fuck was he on about? It was summer— It was summer!— and I have this vivid image in my head of me sitting on a curb in this beautiful place— on a curb!— in this beautiful place— like he left you in the parking lot of the park? Oh my god— On a curb in this beautiful place, surrounded by weeping willow trees and a lagoon with a museum in the foreground, and I have my head in my hands. Just bawling, a total fucking mess.
He sent me an email like a week later— Of course he did. He sent me an email like a week later with the subject line saying something like “this will make you mad”— but then don't! If. Don't fucking say it. Just fuck the fuck off. Go away.
And it was all about how he in fact did want to be in a relationship. Okay— but it was with this girl.—No. But it was with this girl that I'd been feeling weird about— Oh my god. Oh, I— the most annoying part is that I just helped him with an atrocious move the week before. Oh my god. Before that guy took me to the marina, I had bought him groceries with my food stamps. Oh my god. Why? Oh.
The most annoying part is that I helped him move with an atrocious move the week before. I found out afterwards that he had been cheating on me for months.—!!— He also cashed a birthday check for my grandma after we broke up. Oh my god, what a fucking dickhead, like you say. Oh my god. Dickhead. Anyway, oh my god.
I feel so inspired to go cry in public right now. Not right now because it's negative degrees and I see tears sound painful but maybe soon. Thanks for sharing your stories… and thank you for sharing your stories!
Why are they all like this though? I really need to know what's in the water. I need to hear I need other people to confirm this. I need to know if somebody else has been broken up with at a park, because there was in fact somebody else but they didn't want to tell you that.
I need to see how many of these kinds of stories are out there. What in the ever loving fuck. Thanks for listening. Please write to me: Jenscuts.substack@gmail.com Bye.
[~*guitar solo*~]
