Hey guys, it's Jen. This is another installation of the occasional and very original Last Meals series, and this is my response to Annette from that same day, but I divided them up for the ease of editing the transcripts. Alright, cool, bye.
Annette: …I mean, that's just off the top of my head.
Jen: That's crazy. I did like five things. But you definitely inspired me, so I have to start over.
Annette: Okay, please do.
Jen: Yeah.
Annette: Okay, so I'm assuming we're gonna do a full day.
Jen: Well, no cuz…
Annette: ...This is a full day.
Jen: Okay, fine. So I start with a banana.
Annette: Okay, so there we go.
Jen: In the morning, in my tummy hurts, I start with a banana.
Annette: There you go! Makes you feel better.
Jen: And an energy drink. Maybe a Swedish Fish flavored Ghost over ice, because they're too thick to drink without ice. Or Bubblicious flavor, actually. Bubblicious flavor, it's so hard to find.
Annette: I do love Bubblicious.
Jen: The cheeseburger from Five Guys, the mushroom and bacon, with inside-out buns.
Annette: Inside-out buns.
Jen: And I get their fries too. And I've decided I wouldn't necessarily do a cheesy fry. I might do a potato skin or perhaps a waffle fry nacho? Like, they're individually sprinkled with cheese and a little bit of meat or something.
Annette: Oh, you fancy hors d'oeuvres bitch.
Jen: Just because pulling the cheese out of it, you know what I mean? It just annoys me.
Annette: You don't like the cheese pulling?
Jen: No, because I always feel like either the carb comes away from the cheese, or you pull all of the cheese off the rest of the carbs.
Annette: Interesting.
Jen: Okay, fine. I'll take a queso.
Annette: I was very tense while she was saying that, ladies and gentlemen.
Jen: I apologize.
Annette: My shoulders were up to my ears.
Jen: I want a white queso and I want a gold queso. Have you ever had a gold queso with Rotel and Velveeta? It's a white trash queso. So good.
Annette: My favorite nacho type of flavor.
Jen: A Frito pie.
Annette: What's that?
Jen: So there's two ways you can do it. There's the bodega way, which is a bag of Fritos with chili dumped on top and some cheddar cheese sprinkled on, and you eat it with a spoon out of the bag.
Annette: Fascinating.
Jen: Annen’ere is this fancy way, which is unfortunately the first way I had it, and it ruined me for every experience thereafter. It was literally a pie crust made of Fritos, and then it was baked chili cheese. So it was a deep dish chili cheese. It was very good.
Annette: Oh, dear.
Jen: It was so good.
Annette: It sounds amazing.
Jen: I guess if I'm not getting... If I'm getting... You know what? If I'm getting Five Guys fries, I'm still going to have to get either Arby's or Rally's fries. Maybe Arby's most likely, because I'm going to get cheese sticks, and Arby's has, I think, the best cheese sticks of all the fast foods. So it would have to be Arby's cheese sticks and curly fries.
Annette: Back in...
Jen: Well, when I learned how...
Annette: …Chicago was called Checkers, was it not?
Jen: So it's like... Because Rally's is yellow and Checkers was red, right?
Annette: I've never seen a Checkers.
Jen: But you've seen a Rally's?
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: Okay, but it's the same thing?
Annette: I believe you.
Jen: Okay. I love those fries so much that I ate like two large packets once, and um, it was so bad that... It was so bad! I got so sick that we had to... That we had to pull over at my mom's co-worker's house just because she lived nearby, and we had to use her bathroom, and I didn't know the woman. So this was my first introduction to her. And I couldn't stop shitting, and I shat for like... I don't know how long. It seems like a million years. Like, as a kid, it seems like forever. I was so worried. I yelled, I'm gonna fill it to the top! And then... And my mom was like, no you're not. And I was like, yes I am! Are you sure? Because like, I just couldn't stop shitting. And that was probably the first... That was probably the first, uh... The first time I had a tummy problem like that, I think.
Annette: The revenge of the Checkers fries.
Jen: Yeah, the Checkers fries really set me off.
Annette: They just season it so well is what it is.
Jen: It's so good! They're so good!
Annette: I mean, that's really what it is.
Jen: The next time that happened to me, I think it was bacon from Shoney's. Ooh. See, I love bacon.
Annette: I've never heard of a Shoney's.
Jen: What was a Shoney's like? They might have been... Shoney's was like a...
Annette: A burger joint?
Jen: No, it was like... Like buffet. But it's more dinner foods than like a Soup Plantation. Because Soup Plantations are just soup and salad and stuff, right?
Annette: Pretty much.
Jen: It's kind of like a Jason's Deli, or like... Yeah. No, yeah, this had like other foods.
Annette: The Hometown Buffet.
Jen: Kind of, yeah. And it was so good. But on the way to Florida one year, we stopped in Indiana and I ate like a whole chafing tray of bacon.
Annette: Oh my goodness.
Jen: And I was so sick. I was such a fat little kid. I was so sick. I ate so much bacon. But yeah.
Annette: That happened to me with like the powdered parmesan cheese they put on top of pizza. Till this day, I can't... I could barely even eat it because I got so sick from it.
Jen: What did you... How much did you... Did you eat it with a spoon?
Annette: Yeah, I sure as heck did.
Jen: Out of the Kraft container?
Annette: It was like a cylinder, plastic... Like almost like a seasoning type of thing. I remember I would crack it open and like get a spoonful. Unfortunately.
Jen: Oh, okay. So hot fries that'll burn my butt. That’s okay, I'm gonna die anyway. Oh! Wendy's nuggets are my favorite nuggets.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: So Wendy's nuggets. Popeye's biscuits. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits, motherfucker.
Annette: Biscuits! That's what I forgot. That's probably gonna be my last call. You know what? Some cheddar biscuits. Really.
Jen: Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
Annette: You got them. That's a good one from Red Lobster.
Jen: Have you ever had Clams Casino? No. Okay, so Jason went to Dan Tanna's and I looked at the menu to see if I wanted anything to go. And I was like, what the fuck is Clams Casino? And it's like clams with fried breading inside? So it looks like stuffed mushrooms, but it's clams. Let me look.
Annette: That sounds pretty delicious.
Jen: I know, but I don't like a lot of seafood.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: So I was like, I'm not sure if I would like it. But [reading] Clams Casino is a clam on the half shell dish with breadcrumbs and bacon. Ah, yes.
Annette: Yum.
Jen: Yeah, it looks good. So it's like served on the shell with the bacon.
Annette: Ooooh!
Jen: Yeah.
Annette: Yum, yum, yum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen similar things in like seafood buffets. Yeah.
Jen: This one has big chunks of bacon on it. So…
Annette: That looks good.
Jen: I would like to try one. You know, I guess actually also for all of these things, I think I just want one piece of each. Except for the fries, obviously.
Annette: Oh, yeah, the fries.
Jen: I forgot about the sushi. So I really like, I hate how everything I'm saying is like brands, but I really like Krispy Rice sushi.
Annette: Oh, okay.
Jen: They do this, like the crispy rice is like almost like a McDonald's hash brown, but it's rice. And then it's like, the fish on it or the avocado. They do like, an avocado crema, too. I— McDonald's hash brown needs some of those.
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: It makes me mad that they only serve one now.
Annette: It makes me mad I didn't mention any breakfast, pancakes or waffles either.
Jen: Monte Cristo sandwich from Bennigan's.
Annette: Okay, that's close enough.
Jen: That is a very specific type of food. Just a piece of that.
Annette: Just a piece of that, please.
Jen: I know I said lobster Thermidor, but I don't know if I would like it. So I bet, I guess I could get it anyway, right? Like who cares if I like it? I just don't want the chef to be mad.
Annette: No, because after they're gonna, we're gonna donate all of our leftovers.
Jen: Everybody else gets to eat it, huh? So people are left with a good taste in their mouth about us. How about that?
Jen: Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah. So if other people like lobster Thermidor, they can... I would like a bagel with lox. The way that we used to make it at the coffee shop I used to work at. We made it with capers and red onion slices.
Annette: What city is this? Sorry, I have to interject. What city?
Jen: What bagel style?
Annette: No, like what city was this?
Jen: Montreal style. No, that's a horrible. They have horrible bagels They're really weird. Anyway, um.
Annette: Where was the shop you worked at?
Jen: Oh, Atlanta.
Annette: Okay, so Atlanta's bagel game is not too bad!
Jen: No, they have New York style bagels in Atlanta.
Annette: Oh, okay.
Jen: Yeah, that's the most…
Annette: East Coast vibes.
Jen: Yeah, yeah.
Annette: Got it, got it.
Jen: Because a lot of people move from New York to Atlanta. But I would scoop the bagel, which I know is like not cool in the bagel game. But I want my stuff to fit inside the bagel shell. I don't like it when it floats on top of the bagel because when I bite into it, I pull it all apart.
Annette: It's too much.
Jen: Yeah, so I like to fit it inside the bagel shell.
Annette: Understandable.
Jen: It's not really about the calories or anything. Same thing with Jimmy John. Jimmy John's sandwiches! I want one of each Jimmy John's sandwich.
Annette: Oh, dang, gosh darn it. I do love that.
Jen: Only half. You can have the other half of each.
Annette: Okay, perfect. I will take the other half of her sandwiches.
Jen: Yeah, so, um.
Annette: And the pickle on the side.
Jen: And you know what? I'll do the beach thing too. I'd like the, I actually, the doing it on the beach would be great.
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: What did I say?
Annette: On the beach, each.
Jen: Yeah, but what..?
Annette: Um, Lobster Thermidor.
Jen: Oh, yeah. So, the Clam's Casino and Lobster Thermidor, I'm not sure if I would like it. But I look forward to donating that to others. But I'd like to try a piece. I've had other seafoods in my time and I don't like them. And I think I'm allergic to shrimp.
Annette: Oh, gosh darn it. I do love a shrimp.
Jen: Every time I eat one, I puke. Not good. And they also don't taste good to me. Like, I'm like, they taste, this tastes like, no, like I should spit it out. And usually I'll swallow it instead, and then I get sick.
Annette: Oh, my God.
Jen: The last time I threw up while drinking was actually because I ate a bite of a shrimp taco thinking it was chicken. And then I was like, and then I swallowed it instead.
Annette: A lot of people have issues with shrimp, actually.
Jen: Yeah… But I can eat, I can eat lobster and I can eat crawfish.
Annette: Oh, you could eat crawfish.
Jen: Yeah, but it like doesn't have the same… They're the same family, but they're not the same material. Crawfish are more like a lobster material.
Annette: That's a good point.
Jen: You know what I mean?
Annette: That's true.
Jen: Like, the meat of it is different.
Annette: That's why I prefer crabs and… Shrimp.
Jen: The way that strings? Yeah, the way it strings off and stuff, almost like a shredder, a pull, you know, like that. Like, I like that. Like, shrimp is gummy.
Annette: Shrimp is gummy, yeah.
Jen: And I don't like that.
Annette: I like the gummy stuff.
Jen: Because you can bite through… you can feel, like, the cellular walls as you bite. It goes goosh, goosh, goosh, goosh, goosh, goosh as you bite through the layers of it.
Annette: And it's too much for you. Oh my gosh.
Jen: It's too, too alive.
Annette: It's too alive.
Jen: Even though I know they've been boiled. It's too alive.
Annette: It's too… I see.
Jen: It's just, yeah, there's, like, also like the tendons of chicken, which is why I want nuggets that have been ground up, because— I saw this trick online for how to pull the tendon out of a chicken breast, though. Yeah, I'll find it. I don't like the tendon parts of chicken. I can't eat a lot of bones and stuff. So that's why I want nugget.
That being said, chef's choice of steak.
Annette: OK!
Jen: Just because, you know, just serve it up. Medium, medium, a little bit of heme, heme, heme.
Annette: What's heme?
Jen: It's like the stuff that we think is the blood coming out, but it's not blood.
Annette: Oh, I do love that. I love that.
Jen: Impossible, but I almost said invisible burger. That's how Impossible Burger. Impossible Burger synthesized that material from plants. It's like it honestly, it's not completely lab manufactured, but the flavor is because like the products is just soy and ground up stuff. But then the flavor is like the synthetic plant blood.
Annette: Yeah? I thought they just did that through like beets or something.
Jen: I remember reading an article about that a long time ago and I was like, wonder if that's ever going to take off? Now there's like five Impossible Burger restaurants on one street.
Annette: I know, right? Carl's Jr. Why is it so expensive compared to the other chains?
Jen: I don't know! But I feel like that's recent, because I used to be able to get a good sack there for like under 20 bucks.
Annette: OK.
Jen: Right before the pandemic.
Annette: Before the pandy. Well, there you go. That's the reason. Well, now, too, all of the fast food places have pretty much gotten so much more expensive. Like, forget dollar menus. I'm trying to think of the cheapest one. I feel like you get the most bang for your buck at Chipotle.
Jen: So I want an elotes bowl, elotes on something, Mexican street corn on something. Carnitas dish with some corn salsa on it. Halal beef also for my beef, the beef portion of my evening.
Annette: OK, for it to be halal. Yeah. OK.
Jen: Because I like the way that tastes.
Annette: Interesting. I don't think I've tasted the difference, but then…
Jen: I feel like there's a taste difference in this, in like the meat of the animal when the animal has been killed nicely.
Annette: Nicely. That makes sense.
Jen: Yeah, without fear. I can't imagine, honestly, that it's not scary to be strapped up by your ankies. So any kind of religious ritual?
Annette: To me, that's the equivalent of like what Organic is trying to achieve. Not everyone could afford that. So why not just have everything be halal, you know?
Jen: Yeah.
Annette: Have it be organic and accessible. Anyway, continue with your entrees.
Jen: Spanakopita.
Annette: Oooh, bringing in the Greek food. There we go.
Jen: Spanakopita, a little bit of cucumber salad on the side.
Annette: Yum.
Jen: Actually, I have some if you want some. Let me see if we still have it. Um, oh, but we only have parmesan cheese.
Annette: Aaaargh! No, I'm kidding. I tolerate it, though.
Jen: I keep bouncing back and forth. I'm really trying to think of restaurants I like, and then I'm trying to think of what foods I'd like from them.
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: For a pasta, I'd want something, I like Alfredo. I'd want some kind of cream sauce.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: Maybe with a dab of tomato. Like, I'd want to maybe make it myself with a lot of ingredients. Like a real, like, but I definitely want like a pink sauce.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: Unless, is a pink sauce something else? Or is it cream?
Annette: Yeah, it's like cream and some tomato, like, similar to a ala vodka.
Jen: Yeah, that's what I was trying to think of.
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: But I don't like penne.
Annette: Interesting. You would prefer what type of pasta?
Jen: A noodle, a ribbon. Fettuccine.
Annette: Like a fettuccine.
Jen: A spaghetti, like a thick spaghetti. Mm-hmm.
Annette: See, because it's funny because I also really like angel hair.
Jen: Mm-hmm.
Annette: Angel hair pasta, like, I don't know why I really like that.
Jen: It's fun to eat.
Annette: It is.
Jen: And then the vermicelli.
Annette: Yes. Very true.
Jen: Sometimes chocolate makes me choke.
Annette: Makes my sister choke too.
Jen: Really?
Annette: Chocolate specifically. She has like an issue with that and like anything too long. So she struggles with spaghetti or bean sprouts. She can't have bean sprouts. Yeah. Can't take pills. She has to like chop them up.
Jen: I have a problem with pills, I have to shake the water around in my mouth and shake the pill around. And then swallow. Like I have to surprise myself.
Annette: Yes. I am very happy I don't have a pill popping addiction because I do enjoy popping a pill.
Jen: Really?
Annette: Like it's just, yeah, that's my favorite form of medicine. Like that and weed, obviously. But yeah, popping a pill is so easy.
Jen: Pink penicillin deliciousness.
Annette: Pink penicillin. I can't have penicillin.
Jen: No, but any antibiotic can make it pink and flavory.
Annette: I like, for whatever reason, I like the like gel capsules. Is that what they are? Yeah. They're capsules.
Jen: Those are horrible. They stick. The spongy, the squishy ones.
Annette: They, I like the texture. Of my tongue. It's really weird.
Jen: Psycho. You like how it sticks?
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: I love chomping a little bit.
Annette: Jen’s like, get out of here.
Jen: This is what it feels like to suck a dick.
Annette: Because I never got that opportunity as a lesbian.
Jen: Gold star!
Annette: Just kidding. No, I don't have one. Don't make mistakes in the beginning like the rest of us. Listening to those around us saying, are you sure? I'm like, I'm sure, bitch.
Jen: Conversely, hold on to that gold star and don't just think, maybe just this once with my roommate. Don't do that either, lesbians. Don't do that.
Annette: Don't ever do that, lesbians.
Jen: That hurts their feelings too.
Annette: It does. And sometimes we do have to think of others' feelings. Lesbians.
Jen: Okay, I've already covered seafood, chicken nuggets, all the fries, all the biscuits.
Annette: Chicken nuggies, yes.
Jen: All the fries, all the biscuits. What else? Oh, well, I said it earlier, the two pizzas. The charcotta with the pepperoni and the ricotta cream to spread on top. And then spinach and mushroom. Aw, with extra cheese.
Annette: Perfect.
Jen: You reminded me, when you said caviar, I was like, I do like a caviar.
Annette: Yes.
Jen: I don't know what I would want to have it on. You said a cracker. And I was like, yeah, but the cream cheese or butter?
Jen: No, brie. Or camembert.
Annette: Oh, stop it. I forgot about—
Jen: …Or goat cheese…
Annette: I forgot about goat cheese and brie. My cheeses. I need a cheese platter. Prosciutto. I forgot about prosciutto. Okay, I want to add a sharcoochie board.
Jen: I don't like prosciutto. It's too stringy. I like the softness.
Annette: Oh, I do, I do.
Jen: Oh, we have opposite textures.
Annette: Yes. So you bite into string cheese. You don't pull it apart.
Jen: I do!
Annette: Oh, see. Oh my gosh. Look at this.
Jen: I do, I do. You're right. But when I was a kid, I used to string. Really, what it is for me is efficiency at that point, because I'm eating it with a cracker. So I'm like, chomp, cracker, chomp, cracker.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: I'm not like, strings on cracker. That's psychotic, come on. I mean, that's the thing is, at a certain point, I stopped having time to eat string cheese in string form. Like I just did, I don't know when. And now TJ's even make sticks that don't string, they just chew. And that's cool.
Annette: She's a Capricorn cusp, is what's happening here.
Jen: I don't have any time to eat the cheese.
Annette: And I'm a Pisces, people. So do I take time to pull my cheese?
Jen: She takes all the fucking time in the world.
Annette: You bet your sweet ass.
Jen: All the fucking time to let her cheese get stringy and room tempy.
Annette: That's right. To daydream? Oh, I'm making time for that.
Jen: You know, I mean, I—
Annette: Pull some cheese? Fuck yeah.
Jen: Look, I get it. I think it's weird because I actually heard this thing recently. They say that Capricorns, as they get older, they get younger in spirit, which I find interesting. But also I remember as a kid, I was so much more Sagittarius. I used to— Do you remember fruit roll-ups with the tattoos that you can punch? Like the characters?
Annette: Yes.
Jen: I used to stick them on my leg and I'd go, I have tattoos!
Annette: Oh my god.
Jen: And I would just carry my fruit roll-ups around on my leg.
Annette:
Jen: That's hilarious. Like that's like- I mean, I was like, that's weird. Like, so yeah, I used to string my cheese, and I used to carry fruit roll-ups stuck to my thighs. So like—
Annette: Maybe one day again?
Jen: Secret snack. I can't eat corn syrups.
Annette: Oh.
Jen: Actually, like I'm nervous about some of these. Actually, no. Good thing about Trader Joe's gummies is that they're all sugar.
Annette: Yeah, Trader Joe's, I trust their gummies. I mean, literally that gummy that was named like peas and carrots?
Jen: That doesn't make me trusted at all anymore.
Annette: It works on me. The advertising works.
Jen: There's no pea and no carrot in that. I bet you they use carrot juice for color. I'll give you that.
Annette: And that makes a difference from red dye 40 to carrot juice.
Jen: Okay.
Annette: Give TJ its props.
Jen: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Wow. Apologist. Who knew?
Annette: [laughing]
Jen: Oh, caviar. Crab cake. Maybe I will put—
Annette: I do love a crab cake.
Jen: Maybe I'll do a crab cake with a blip of cheese and then a caviar on top. And then you smash it all down together and then you eat it.
Annette: Oh my gosh. This is hors d'oeuvres after hors d'oeuvres.
Jen: I like small plates because I can't fit a lot. It has to come in slow and tiny. But I can eat a lot if it's slow and tiny.
Annette: Slow and tiny.
Jen: See, I could win a hot dog eating contest if I could take my time. If we had noon to midnight.
Annette: If the rules were different.
Jen: If I was taller, I could play basketball.
Annette: Oh my goodness. You know, if they changed the game completely, I'd have a chance.
Jen: Well, it's true though! But yeah, if I could take my time.
Annette: That’s still impressive. You have endurance is what you're trying to say.
Jen: I could do a double Old Country Buffet shift.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: But I can't do a lot in an hour.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: Like, I could never win the eat the 48-ounce steak in an hour challenge. I could take 12 hours to eat three of them, but I couldn't do it all in an hour.
Annette: Understandable.
Jen: Like, I need to commit a certain amount of time. But I don't think that most people would actually be able to continue to eat after a certain point.
Annette: Yeah, I agree. A lot of people who...
Jen: Like, they would just lose their flavor, I guess.
Annette: Yeah, a lot of people who are eaters, are competitive eaters, are actually super fit. You know, there was this Japanese guy who would win all of the competition.
Jen: Kobayashi.
Annette: Yeah, and he would eat like a million plates of scallops and stuff like that. And like, he was so, so fit. So I wonder if that allows him to eat more. Because I remember when I would exercise and diet and eat better. Like, I was able to take in more at once whenever I would have cheat days.
Jen: Well, there's a theory that there's a belt of fat effect— This is an old theory, It's from the 90’s, I don't even know if it's been disproven— But that at a certain point, the weight that you carry restricts your ability to overeat, because your body is holding you in. So your stomach can't expand past a certain point because the body fat is pressing. But yeah, I mean, that's just something I've heard. It is a theory for why skinny people can eat a lot and stay skinny. They could bloat up once they have more room to bloat.
Annette: Yeah. That totally makes sense.
Jen: I once had a client who was so skinny that I could see her food.
Annette: Stop it.
Jen: It was horrible. At least she was eating.
Annette: How'd you see her midriff?
Jen: Because she's wearing a little top. She was wearing a little top and little yoga leggings. And her belly button was out, and she had one of those doll belly buttons that was like literally a button. And I could see her food moving.
Annette: Oh, my goodness.
Jen: And I was like, well, at least we know she eats. But it was so weird to, like…
Annette: …Disturbing, yeah.
Jen: She had so little body fat, but also so little muscle covering her. There was no abs.
Annette: It was all nothingness.
Jen: Yeah. It was just skin.
Annette: Ooh. Skin and just bones. Literally.
Jen: Yeah.
Annette: Oh, my goodness.
Jen: But she had a gigantic head. Like she looked like a little lollipop.
Annette: Of course she did. Of course she did.
Jen: And she was so pretty, but so annoying.
Annette: [to cat] Hi, baby. Come here.
Jen: But yeah, I remember just like blowing her hair and watching her food travel.
Annette: That is insane to me.
Jen: Crab cake smash.
Annette: Crab cake smash.
Jen: Yes. Perfect. I already said the pizzas, I know. But did I specify that I want one to be medium-level deep dish? Like, you don't have to fill the deep dish pan all the way to the top, you can fill it with as much cheese as you want. You know what I mean? So I would say a low-level deep dish.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: Like a mini, a mini deep. Like an inch deep instead of two or three. You know what I mean?
Annette: So like a pie.
Jen: Yeah. It's a pizza pie.
Annette: It's a pizza pie.
Jen: [to cat] Hi, Mimi.
Annette: I was actually thinking of the SOD version of it. Pizza pie.
Jen: I don't know it. Why do they sing about food so much?
Annette: [Singing] What a pizza pie.
Jen: Are you making this up?
Annette: No, it's called something. I forgot. By System of the Down.
Jen: Well, because when you said that, that's the version. And I was like, oh, you're just making it up. Because this is like what they would do if they did. Why do they sing about food so much?
Annette: Oh. Oh. Well, they’re Armenian.
Jen: Is it metaphors?
Annette: And it's all we think about [is food]. Is it metaphors for what we consume? I don't know. I think they just like chop suey.
Jen: And pizza pies.
Annette: And pizza pies. And terracotta pie. [singing] Terracotta pie. Terracotta pie.
Jen: What's that?
Annette: Banana, banana, banana, banana, terracotta, banana, terracotta, terracotta pie.
Jen: What's that?
Annette: That's a System of the Down song. You have to listen to their weirder songs because it's hilarious.
Jen: What is Terracotta pie?
Annette: You think I know? It's like some type of creamy banana pie. I don't really know what a terracotta is. I had to Google it in middle school when I first listened to the song.
Jen: Okay.
Annette: But it's also like a color.
Jen: I know. But is a pie the same color?
Annette: Yeah.
Jen: Okay.
Annette: With bananas in it.
Jen: Okay. I may have to look into that. But yeah, like a thin layer pizza pie. And yeah. So that's how I want the spanakopita and my two pizzas to be.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: I know I might make somebody angry with the spanakopita deep dish idea, but. Oh, actually! What if the spinach pizza was instead like a stuffed phylo shell? A spanakopita stuffed with mushrooms and sausage too.
Annette: It's, it sounds good.
Jen: It sounds good, yeah.
Annette: It sounds good.
Jen: Risky but good. I might actually have to make it.
Annette: Yeah. It'd be hard to make though, right? To get it perfectly warm inside and crispy outside. I don't know.
Jen: Yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Annette: True that. There's no chicken or anything in it. Yeah.
Jen: And even so, if you put chicken in, you cook the chicken first.
Annette: You pre-cook it. That's so true.
Jen: Yeah, I've had to learn how to cook meat. Always, I used to say that I only wanted to eat meat out of the house because it was too gross to cook, but I've had to do it. I've had to force myself to do it.
Oh, I used to make these things. I don't know how to make them anymore. I'd have to look up a recipe. They were, they were called coin pouches. Corn, corn, corn pouches. And they were little phyllo doughs that looked like little money bags. Like you put corn and all these cheeses and seasonings inside and then you pinch the top and then you bake them. And so they were little baked dumpling type appetizer things. I like those.
Annette: Nice.
Jen: Yeah, so I'd make one of those. And I would like some kind of egg product, but maybe soft-boiled eggs and bone marrow. On freshly baked focaccia. Just for the gummy flavor on top of the chewy bread.
Annette: That is very interesting. This sounds good.
Jen: I'm inventing it. Another thing I'm going to have to make. Can't wait. Can't wait. We haven't been to the store in so long because I've been working so much and he doesn't know how to shop.
Annette: He doesn't know how to shop!
Jen: Even if I gave him a list—
Annette: Right Ladies?!
Jen: He'd have to call me like 15 times and be like...
Annette: Why do they do that? That was my stepdad too.
Jen: Because he doesn't want to mess up.
Annette: I know.
Jen: Because he's so afraid of me.
Annette: Because we'll yell at them. It's my... I get it. I've seen it in action.
Jen: Yeah. So that's why. I feel so bad. But I mean, I know that it would like... So that's why I do all the grocery shopping by myself. I'm now looking forward to actually making my last meal. Pieces of it. The things I've invented. I want to try to recreate the Bennigans Monte Cristo.
Annette: Oh, that'd be cool.
Jen: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna... Oh, and then so I guess I'm on dessert now.
Annette: Yeah!
Jen: Well, I said tiramisu.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: Didn't I also say strawberry shortcake?
Annette: You did.
Jen: Okay, good. But like a drunken one. Something that is soaked in vanilla or almond extract. Something that is also as soft as the tiramisu. Maybe something that is soaked in horchata. Strawberry shortcake soaked in horchata. Now I’m going to have to make that too bitch!
Both: Ooooh…
Jen: I’m having like a whole last meal—
Annette: I’m having a taste of that!
Jen: Yes!
Annette: Awww shiizzz.
Jen: Okay, I’m making the crab—I’m gonna make… All the things I invented? I’ll make them.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: I’m gonna have to re-listen to this.
Annette: You’re gonna have to re-listen to this because we’ll never remember.
Jen: I’ll re-listen to this and go to fucking Erehwon for some of these ingredients!
Annette: I know. Bone marrow?
Jen: Caviar?
Annette: Caviar! Yeah, you’re going to have to go to Glendale for that one. There’s like a row of Caviar shops there.
Jen: There is?
Annette: There is, cuz all the Russian-Armenians, we like our Caviar!
Jen: I’m getting really excited now to make the Last Meal meal.
Annette: That is hilarious. We’re turning this into reality and that’s the imprtant part.
Jen: Yeah, it may not be the last meal, but at least the meal was had, yeah.
Annette: The meal was had, yeah. And that’s the perk, it’s not the last day. It’s beautiful… Are you going to have any alcohol?
Jen: I think I will have the alcohol either before or after eating.
Annette: Okay.
Jen: I don’t like to drink alcohol while eating because I think it ruins the tastes. I don’t believe in pairings like that. I think that wine is too acidic and ruins food for me.
Annette: thank you, I agree.
Jen: I think it’s all too strong and I think… I would probably drink a sparkling water, cuz I like bubbles. I feel like it cleans my mouth. Like, flat water sometimes doesn’t have the same effect for me. The Coca-cola Freestyle Machine has this new sparking water called Aha! {sings} That’s what I say every time. They have a plain, and a lemon, and it’s the lightest lemon. It doesn't taste like static the way that La Croix tastes like static. It’s the lightest lemon, but it’s a really nice lemon flavor, so maybe that.
Annette: My boss just made limoncello.
Jen: Oh really?
Annette: …And brought it to the shop. First time I got introduced to it. I didn’t really know what limoncelleo was. It’s like an Italian lemon alcohol, vodka type thing.
Jen: Was hers thick?
Annette: Not from what I could tell from the bottle. But it was super yellow.
Jen: Maybe I’d have an espresso martini with dessert.
Annette: Ooh, nice.
Jen: I think I have to get drunk first, on an empty stomach, honestly.
Annette: It’s not as fun.
Jen: Cuz afterwards, if I started drinking after eating, then I would just get sick and puke. I wouldn’t even be dead yet.
Annette: Exactly. That’s why I can only have a little bit. I like Micheladas, mostly flavor.
Jen: I don’t like Micheladas.
Annette: Is it the tomatoes?
Jen: Yeah. Do you like Bloody Marys too?
Annette: I don’t like vodka, so no. But without the vodka, I would drink it. I used to down tomato juice. I love a V8, but I had to stop cuz it gave me constant diarrhea.
Jen: Oh really?
Annette: It’s true.
Jen: See, my aunt Lydia loves tomato stuff too, but she has terrible colon issues.
Annette: Yeah, cuz tomatoes are like the number one acidic killer food.
Jen: Irritation, inflammation.
Annette: Big time! So you don’t even like it.
Jen: I like the tiniest amount of tomato.
Annette: Just the taste of it.
Jen: Yeah! So I don’t like Bloody Mary, I don’t like gazpachos. I like a tomato soup with grilled cheese or whatever? I like a creamy tomatoe beesquee. But I don’t… Hunh, would I want any kind of soup?
Annette: I’m not a soup person—
Jen: Oh, matzo ball soup.
Annette: A matzo ball. I’ve never tried it, but it looks like a soup I would like.
Jen: You would, it's basically chicken noodle soup, but the noodles are round.
Annette: Beautiful.
Jen: It’s dough, just a ball of dough.
Annette: Just dough, I like that. I love clam chowder. Like, thick thick— No? You hate it?
Jen: Honestly, I associate it with people who don’t have teeth.
Annette: What? Uh oh, trauma alert. Trigger! Why? Who without teeth did something wrong with clam chowder? No, the opposite? Someone wrong had clam chowder, that’s what it is!
Jen: Someone wrong. We woke the dog. Much like yogurt, yogurt is another food that I associate with no teeth. And..
Annette: Another food I love! I do have many gaps in my teeth so…
Jen: You better hang onto them chompers. It’s not the same—
Annette: Oh, because they can be digested without teeth! They can be eaten without teeth!
Jen: Yes, and I just imagine old people like [mimes]…
Annette: Yucky! Those gummy motherfuckers.
Jen: Yeah, so that’s what I think of. But also the homeless kid who lives near the salon, he always asks us to microwave his Trader Joe’s clam chowder, and it stinks up the whole fucking place. It’s horrible. It’s so stinky. So, that’s why—
Annette: I do like stinky things. Besides too stinky of a cheese.
Jen: I want katchapurri too.
Annette: Oh no, I forgot to bring some over. My grandmother just made some. Gosh darn it.
Jen: Oh no! I could have started my least meal today?
[~*guitar solo*~]
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Last Meal Planning: Jen