Last Meal Planning: Annette

Hey guys, it's Jen.
This is the first in what may be a series— if not a pair— of episodes about our last meals, which is obviously a very original topic. I'm sure you've never heard anything like it. But hey, it came up in conversation. So. This is Last Meal Planning, featuring Annette, who you may remember from the Taking a Walk with Sofie episode. Alright!

Jen: Okay, your last meal.

Annette: Last meal would consist of [pfft] many courses. I'm starting off with ice cold water with a straw from a giant Stanley cup. And every time that Stanley cup empties, another Stanley cup replaces it. And as an appetizer, I want a bunch of oysters.

Jen: Any kind of cooking?

Annette: Raw.

Jen: Ew. Okay.

Annette: I want, I want like a seafood platter just to, you know, get the night going— I'm assuming it's nighttime. And then I start off with some cheese fries, we just dive into cheese fries.

Jen: Oooo…..

Annette: Are you adding that to your list? You gotta.

Jen: I mean, I might… What's your base fry?

Annette: Good question. A curly fry, non-seasoned though. A non-seasoned curly fries.

Jen: Okay.

Annette: And then let's see, we're getting closer and closer to entrees, you know? Then I want like a sashimi carpaccio with, like, spicy tuna seared with garlic.

Jen: Oh, sushi.

Annette: I know.

Jen: I may be in the mood for sushi or a salad that day.

Annette: Yes, you may be! And you want to have those choices in front of you, just to even pick at. It's your last meal; why not, you know? Or at least you're pretending it is. This could be a regular Tuesday for all we know. It's your life and I support it.
Okay. So I definitely want some sashimi. I want a bunch of nigiri, fresh. I'm talking like, they bring in a Japanese chef, and he brings all of the best like flavorful fish, that's like grown perfectly, and he makes sashimi from it.

Jen: Do you have a particular fish that you like though?

Annette: I like the tuna. So that's albacore, yellowtail, and then ahi tuna. And I love salmon, particularly the belly cuts. The toro is much more like, melts in your mouth type of flavor.
And then I want caviar too. I want black caviar, black Russian caviar, and some butter, some nice good crackers— They could be from Trader Joe's, they could be from Whole Foods, I don't know, but they're really good crackers.
I want, like, a really top notch, like if a cocktail could be a thousand dollars cocktail, except! I want it to be a mocktail.

Jen: You gotta watch Vanderpump. They spend so much money on juice.

Annette: Juice.

Jen: Oh, a mocktail, I love a mocktail! You like paying for juice? Yes.

Annette: Yes! You know how much my friend makes fun of me?

Jen: Juice with sparkles.

Annette: You know, I'm not big on carbonation. I will tell you, something about the bubbles doesn't mix right with me. Do I occasionally nowadays? Yes. But when I was younger, I wouldn't even touch it. Honestly, I'm a lemonade girl. I love a strawberry lemonade. Like, that's going to knock me out of the park every single time.

Jen: Arnold Palmer.

Annette: Yeah, oohh yeah. And by the way, the whole meal, I am watching Netflix, but it's like background Netflix. It's like re rewatching like Parks and Rec.

Jen: What the hell did I used to watch in the background that I got into? So I had to stop watching it. Nashville!

Annette: No way. The one with Hayden Panettiere.

Jen: Yeah. And Connie Britton.

Annette: Who's a babe for her age. I mean,

Jen: She has so much hair.

Annette: Connie Britton. You got it going on, lady.

Jen: Her and Chelsea Handler were friends when they were young.

Annette: Oh really? Chelsea Handler is interesting.

Jen: I like her.

Annette: I think she's a badass bitch.

Jen: You remember how you asked me about style— and you asked me once who my style influence was, and I couldn't really think of it. You asked, you said, who are you influenced by Annie Lennox? I said, not really. I just look like her.

Annette: Yes. I remember that. I remember that.

Jen: Chelsea Handler is a style influence of mine

Annette: Wat!

Jen: Because I always looked at the way— I don't think, I don't know if she does it, or if it's her stylist that does it— but she wears trousers, but like nice. I always was resentful that I could never get away with wearing a skirt suit or a pantsuit. Like, they just don't look right on my body. But I really wanted to be able to dress kind of like a pimp sort of? Like, I want—

Annette: It would work great on you. It'd be so on brand.

Jen: Well, so yeah. So that's actually why I wear trousers now, is because like I was like, I really like what she does. She has a really nice trousers and really nice skirts and she wears like Led Zeppelin t-shirts, but they're tailored.

Annette: Yes. I remember now.

Jen: And the thing is, I was always wearing skirts and t-shirts anyway, but then I was like, trouser! Like I was like, as long as I can find the trousers that fit me, because I have such a problem with pants. Like, I have so much toe, so much camel in my panel. It is bad.

Annette: You're packing a fat puss.

Jen: I am. It's really bad.

Annette: Brag about it, why don't you?

Jen: Noooo. I'm actually so jealous of Britney Spears because I don't think she has a vagina.

Annette: Oh, what about Oops, I did it again? She had a camel toe.

Jen: Did she? I literally think she's like a Barbie.

Annette: You know what? Maybe there wasn't cheek. Maybe there was just line.

Jen: I literally think she's like a Barbie doll because I saw this video of her dancing in this two-piece outfit.

Annette: Oh my God.

Jen: And the skirt was so low, she must not have a cooter line. She must not have a smile.

Annette: You know what?

Jen: She doesn't have a veej, I swear.

Annette: I think some, and you can't even see her cesarean scar either. Let's add that in there.

Jen: Right, but I mean, also her kids were by C-section; It's because she dun't got no veej. I'm kidding. I don't know. But I mean like, you know, she like literally,

Annette: That’s why gay men are into her…

Jen: She has the shortest puss. She has the shortest pussy.

Annette: She has short puss. She has short crack too, if you think about it.

Jen: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, her butt crack, you mean? Because butt cracks are so low. And, but she has like a rounded butt. So it's like, where is it?

Annette: But she still has great shape. The lady guy going on. I don't know. She just had it all. She doesn't have to deal with, you know, packing down there.

Jen: Yeah. No, I have a problem with trousers. And also when I was heavier, it was worse because also my, like, the stomach, when it hits like the front seam of the pants, then it creates like up high camel toe, like FUPA camel toe?

Annette: I hate that. Thank you for giving it a name so I can hate it more.

Jen: Because it's up here on your belly button and shit. And you're like, no.

Annette: Yeah, it's so disturbing.

Jen: Front butt.

Annette: It's front butt.

Jen: It's front butt. And it's so—

Annette: Belly butt. It’s not right.

Jen: A belly butt!

Annette: It's a belly butt. Let me tell you. Oh God, no.

Jen: So that's another problem.

Annette: Yeah, that is a issue that I don't like on myself as well.

Jen: Have you found— yeah, like I, I used to wear men's trousers because they seem to have more space. But then because of the body shape, you have to buy like, a big size and everything's too big.

Annette: And then you look too baggy, you know. It doesn't always look right on the bottoms to have it like that.

Jen: Yeah, so that’s Chelsea Handler. Anyway, continue with your last meal.

Annette: You know what? I do like that. Thank you for that story. Because that's what I'm trying to figure out too. It's definitely every woman's journey, I feel like, to some degree, you know?
You know, even menswear, it's interesting. Because I do obviously dabble in menswear. I noticed that there's now— they're trying to shape it more for, like a huskier-built man. So, the pecs tighter, arms on a t-shirt tighter, and then baggier in the stomach, you know? So that, uh— we were talking about

Jen: Football body.

Annette: There you go! We were talking about, you were saying retired football, football bod. I'm like, that's exactly it, that husky but sexy little football bod. A post-, you know, post-season bod that a lot of guys have, it just like, it helps that out.
And because I'm a girl with big old titties, that are smushed into this sports bra, it could pass as pecs.

Jen: In the t-shirt—

Annette: So it fits in the t-shirt, and it's a little bit tighter here, and my shoulders are smaller, and then it's enough for my belly and my hips. So, it's been actually helping me, maybe more than most men. The lesbian community is benefiting from this progression in fashion. Thank you.

Jen: Yeah. This comedian I went to see as the next part of the Netflix thing, Jared Fried. I was actually— if Jason didn't want to go. I was going to bring you, but it turns out Jason likes him. And so, the whole thing is about him going to the beach with his family, but it's a bunch of side stories, because they're annoying people, and they ask a lot of rude questions, things like that. So it's like, you know, you know how Jews are—

Annette: Yeh, I know!

Jen: Like New York and Florida Jews. Not like, you know, all these ones right now. Not the, not the, the white supremacist Israelis.

Annette: Oh, we said, we went there. We're talking about the real watermelon in the room. Cease fire.

Jen: I get so mad, I get so mad when I meet Israelis outside of Israel. No, because I'm like, you fought, you're fighting for this fucking land? You fucking stay there. Like, how dare you? No, it makes me so mad. You guys, you were given this joint.

Annette: Oh my goodness.

Jen: You were given this joint and you're killing the neighbors to take over their joint and you want to fucking go places. Come on. What the fuck? Like, that's so frustrating to me. That makes me so mad. Yeah. On like a foreign policy level.

Annette: Yes! Louder and louder so everyone can hear it. Echo through the walls.

Jen: You go back to where you came from.

Annette: If anyone, it should be you.

Jen: Okay. Anyway. So anyway, okay. So he’s a Jew.

Annette: The good kind we like.

Jen: Well, yeah, it's interesting because he doesn't know how much of like a bro-cialist he is and how much of like, an alt guy he actually, he has no idea that he's like, cool. He doesn't—

Annette: Okay.

Jen: He's like, I love capitalism just as much as other people, but what if people weren't homeless? And I'm like, you don't love capitalism that much, if you can say that. You don't know that you are way cooler than you are. But anyway, so that's like the line he treads. But he's a barrel chested man, and he has been given as a, as a comedian and podcast host, he's been given many a t-shirt option and the Chubbies brand has reached out to him.

Annette: Oh my goodness.

Jen: Yeah. And then there's—

Annette: Thank you, Jared Friedman.

Jen: Fried.

Annette: Fried. Sorry. I just turned it Jewier.

Jen: Just turned him more Jewy. One time I hooked up with a guy named Noah Tannenbaum and I was like, you win Fairfax. I don't know.

Annette: So, after all of that! Next on the course, the course list would be… I want to, I want them to start— them is the chef— to start titillating me. Okay? I want random snacks in the middle of these courses. I want to be bombarded with gummy bears and Oreos— not regular Oreos, I'm talking birthday cake Oreos. I'm talking, he got high to put himself in my shoes and walk through a Ralph's supermarket and said, what would Annette want? And he got it all. And he said, I'm going to throw this in the middle of everything. As if life wasn't good enough with the oysters, here they come: The birthday cake Oreos.

Jen: Okay.

Annette: Um, and also if I could just get like a fat blunt before all of this starts.

Jen: I assumed that you were allowed to smoke the whole time.

Annette: Thank you Jen.

Jen: I mean, it’s your last meal, you're not going to let me smoke inside?

Annette: You're not going to let me smoke inside? Like might as well spit in my eye. And then after those little, that Snack Attack— that's what I'm going to call it: A little attack by the snacks— I also want to add, when I say snacks, I'm also including those really cheap cookies with the Halloween and Christmas version, the sugar cookies?

Jen: Oh no!

Annette: Yeah.

Jen: They're in the plastic clamshell?

Annette: Yeah!

Jen: No! Okay. It's your list. Whatever. It's your, it's your death. It's your last day. You go ahead.

Annette: Yeah! I'm trying to intake all the corn starch I can at that point, come on, okay? We said last meal. I'm going a hundred percent. If you're not going a hundred percent, that's your, that's your thing.

Jen: Like I said, it depends on the time of the day. If it's too early, I can only eat a banana.

Annette: Oh my God.

Jen: Okay. After snack attack, I

Annette: I'm a— We're, we're going to start getting into entrees pretty soon. Cause what's coming up next: like a gourmet, but also classic grilled cheese. I'm going to get into, um, something called in Arabic, in Turkish Çiğ köfte and in Armenian Çiğ köftar. It's basically steak tartar with Middle Eastern spices.

Jen: Oh, I know that. I've seen that. I've seen that be made.

Annette: I grew up with that. Somehow, some way, I want this magic— this hypothetical chef— to find and remake something close to my great grandmother's recipe of this meal. I want that to be in there too. God bless her.
Pasta! We got to go the pasta route. We got to go carbs. There has to be some Italian in there. If it's not pizza, it's pasta. Okay? I want it with like the garlic knot on the side, and like a shrimp Alfredo, a fettuccine type of thing. You know what I'm saying? And then from there… I really want a giant bucket of seafood boil with Cajun seasoning, primarily King crab legs. And I want to crack them open right by the beach. So all of this, we were, so now like, before the crab legs, we're at the beach now. So I'm right by the beach.

Jen: Wait, before the crab legs, we're at the beach? Or we started at the beach?

Annette: No, no, I'm sorry. We started at the beach. Sorry. That's what I meant. I will have a michelada. I won't finish it, but I will have it. I also want a bunch of mussels, like a pound of mussels, like two pounds of King crab legs and like a pound of shrimp, all Cajun spicy seasoning, and just go to town.
I would also love to have some Korean noodles, like a Tteokbokki, those fat noodles in that spicy, spicy type of broth. No, it's not a broth, sorry, it's like a sauce. Um, spicy, but a little sweet, I really like it. I gotta have some Vietnamese, like shrimp spring rolls.I'm trying to hit all my favorite cuisines and then— it's only right.
And then after I've, they're going to ask me to— I'm going to add this to it— While I'm sitting there, high out of my mind and full. They're going to ask me, is there anything else before we start dessert? So I also too will have a last minute option to add something in case I would ever regret going out without having it one more time. You know what I mean?
And then the dessert starts: Cold Stone Ice Cream. I said it. Cake batter ice cream, with cookie dough and gummy bears. And then I want cotton candy ice cream, with cookie dough and gummy bears and… rainbow sprinkles.

Jen: Okay.

Annette: With, a lot of whipped cream. I mean, that's just off the top of my head.

Jen: That's crazy. I had, like, five things, but you definitely inspired me. So I have to start over.

Annette: Okay, please do.

[~*guitar solo*~]