Bruce Harder

Hey guys, it's Jen.
This is part two [about] A Guy Named Bruce. If you're a little lost as to who Bruce is, check out part one [about] a guy named Bruce.

…We start driving. It's bitter silent, and at a certain point he just says, you know, could you stay another day? And I was like, for what? Like, to talk this out? I'd rather not, you know? Not unless we're like, back together and we're gonna fucking do it, basically. And also I have to call my dog sitter. I have to go to the store and buy new underwear and a new shirt because I only packed for one overnight. And we have to find a place to stay, and I don't have any more hotel money.

We go to this really cute looking place that was recommended by a friend, with, like, neon cactuses and stuff. But the room was like, bad feng shui, too large. The table and chair seating area was just kind of weirdly hovering in just too much space in the room. The bed was so far away from the balcony. We both kind of made fun of the room a little bit, and then he was like, perturbed.
And he asked me to order room service, whatever I wanted. Which— because of his attitude— seemed like a trick. But I figured he was just hungry. Even though I kept checking in with him about like, Are you sure you want to pay for this pitcher of margaritas? But oh my god, we got so much fucking food.
Here's the thing about me, is that when I travel, I can't poop. But we ate all this Tex-Mex food, and we drank— Well, I had one margarita, he drank way more than me. I thought to quell his nerves, because he wasn't really much of a drinker.
I was just so full of shit. I was so fucking full of shit. The room was fucked up. The food was good. The bathroom was basic.

At a certain point, we're screwing around in bed— The bed felt like a cardboard refrigerator box. I have never felt anything that hollow in my life. It made me think of like during the medieval times when people slept on bundles of hay. It was fucking hideous. Maybe that's why he didn't want to fuck, is because the bed was so uncomfortable.
But at a certain point, we're screwing around and he stands up and like, kind of stands in front of the foot of the bed near the TV. And he has his arms crossed and he has a hard on. And he's like, philosophically debating sex. And so I said, Well, do you not find me attractive?
And he said, No, it's not that.
I was like, Okay, well, if you find me attractive, and we're together, and you're hard right now, why don't you get over here and fuck me?
And he did. He came over and slid right on in because I had been waiting for days! technically months, waiting, waiting, waiting! so long that it didn't matter how much fucking food I had, I was ready.

It was fine. He didn't come. I didn't come. It was fine. It didn't go on for very long. I got up to go to the bathroom, as you do. And then I laid back down. And when I came back, he was kind of standing in the weird space of the room in between the bed and balcony, which again, was like the size of a football field. He's standing in the middle of this space over there. The middle of the bizarrely un-utilizable space— I tried to do a cartwheel in it, but I had a bad hamstring and I nearly died. And he made fun of me for that. But so he's standing in the cartwheel space kind of just staring and I was like, Are you okay? Like, are you gonna— Do you not feel good?
And he's like, I know what I did.
And I said, Okay, what do you want to do now?
And he said, I'm gonna go to the pool.
And I said, Okay. Like, I didn't know that he brought trunks. I don't remember if I even said, Oh, you brought a swimsuit. I don't remember. I think maybe I just assumed he'd put his feet in. It's not like it was that warm out. Whatever. I was like, Okay, awesome, because I have to shit.
When he first said he was gonna go down to the pool, I had this initial instinct that like, maybe I should follow once I was finished. But then I thought that was kind of cheesy and movie-romantic. And besides, like, what was I gonna do if I went down there? Just watch him? That sounds really boring. I'd rather stay upstairs and text my friends, see what was going on at home. I feel like he would have been mad if I had gone downstairs for some reason, or there would have been some kind of setup? Maybe there was somebody who was offending him by expressing imaginary interest, or maybe he'd be deep in conversation with a cute girl, which has been done to me before. But then he was mad when he came upstairs anyway. You were probably texting your friends about me.
I was like, Yeah, that's what girls do.

The next morning, I was all la-dee-da. I'm so happy that my romantic evening pulled through, and I couldn't wait to go home and talk to more people about it. I didn't really notice that anything was off about him until he dropped me off at home. And when he handed me my bag, he hesitated dramatically long before kissing me goodbye. And I think he said, I'll be in touch. Maybe he said I'll call you. Either way, whatever.
That following Monday, I got a job interview for later in that week. Oh, also that upcoming Saturday was his birthday. He was almost 40. Saturday was his birthday. And I had a job interview for that Thursday.
At the very beginning of our relationship, he had told me that— he excitedly told me, which I thought was really cute, that he bought himself a ticket to see a band that he liked. And he only bought one because he wasn't seeing anybody at the time. And I was like, that is very cool and independent woman of you to go to a concert alone on your birthday. That's so cute. I had always planned to honor that experience. I never was going to buy a ticket and show up, no matter how serious our relationship got.
But I knew that was coming up. So I knew that I only had a few days that week to talk to him. And I figured, why not have him give me a ride to a job interview? that'd be great.

But I never heard back after Monday. And then on Wednesday, I called to check in again. And I was probably, like, sexy. I know that I went through like a range of different tactics, different vocal tones with each message, like probably becoming progressively more unhinged. That's not true, I actually never got unhinged. I just tried to be sexy once, I tried to be flirty and fun once. And I asked for a ride to a job interview.
I probably called him three to four days that week. And then I called him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday. And then I figured I wouldn't hear from him again. I was like, well, he's just fading on me for whatever reason. And that's okay. I had just broken up with him the day before. So it was fine. It just wasn't going to work out, like I'd always said.

This weird thing happened; I can't really explain this. The night of his birthday, I could remote view it.
And I'm going to tell you guys now that my remote viewing services are up for sale or barter. I am interested in practicing this. If you're interested in having something found or somebody spied on, let me know.
Anyway, so I got this very strong vision of him out with a friend of his at this bondage goth night anniversary party. The heat of the room just wrapped around me so intensely. And I could like, see the women dancing. And the thing is, I know this place. And I know how disgusting it is. And I don't go there. And we had talked about how we don't go there. But it would make sense that he would say that he wouldn't go to a place like that, especially not for their anniversary party, especially not on his birthday weekend.

He finally calls me a couple days later. And he tells me that he wants to break up with me because he feels sexually assaulted. And I just said, Okay. Okay, like…
And he said, That's all you're gonna say?
And I said, I'm sorry you feel that way?
And he said, You're gonna say that to a victim?
And I was like, I've had a lot of time this week that you haven't talked to me. I've had a lot of time to replay what could have possibly gone wrong. And this was one of those options. So I understand that you feel that way. And I'm sorry that you feel that way. So that's okay, we're broken up. You shouldn't be with somebody who makes you feel that way, and I shouldn't be with somebody who makes me feel this way.
He started berating me about the way that I did the things that I did. And you know, want to know why he wouldn't he didn't like me and things like that. And then he told me that I reminded him of his aunt. He said, you told me that you touched my dick.
And I was like, Yeah. And he said he felt sexually assaulted.
I asked him why he asked me to stay for another day, for a second chance if he felt so traumatized by the events of the night before? (…That he didn't even know had happened until I told him, supposedly, if he was asleep.)
And he went on to say something— which again, from the internet, from the last time I posted this on the internet— Somebody said, Would you say that to a woman?
And I said, Yeah, I would.
And like, he even went so far as to say, Would you say that to like, a teenage girl who felt pressured for sex?
And I said, Dude, you're not a fucking teenage girl. You're a 40 year old father of four. Honestly, if you're going through this right now, it is not my responsibility to take care of you through this. You have been sexual so much, that now is the time you decide that you can't handle it? And now the woman you agreed to be your girlfriend has just assaulted you. Are you serious? Like, okay, it is better that we are not together if this is how you feel.
But he continued yelling at me. And it occurred to me that he could feel this way; He could feel so disgusted by me for some reason, that he felt like he really, really had to like roofie himself to sleep with me. And he felt so assaulted by the situation. And I mean, I felt bad that he was so fucking crazy, if that's how he felt. But I started crying, because nobody likes being yelled at.
And I said, like, I'm sorry, like, if you really feel that, I'm sorry, like, that sucks. Because again, who amongst us hasn't been molested? Who doesn't know how it feels to be sexually triggered?

And then I got a job across the street from that burger place that we went to on our first date. And knowing that he lived nearby, I was like, he's gonna think I'm fucking crazy and stalking him if I don't tell him that I'm going to be there. So I told him, I let him know. I was like, Hey, I am accepting a job in your neighborhood. Like, I hope that's okay. So if you see me around, it's not, like, personal. He kind of laughed like it was goofy for me to care. And then he told me that he was moving anyway, so I didn't have to worry about it. And like, casually conversationally, I said, Oh, where are you moving?
And he said, Why would I tell you?
And I was like, I don't know. I guess… I don't know. I was just making conversation. Okay, sorry.
And he's like, you are not allowed to ask any information about my life. Do you understand?
And I was like, Okay, well, I guess I won't see you around the neighborhood. You know what I mean?
He gave me this really weird set of criteria… Like, basically, he was like, it's not in these zip codes. And it's not its own town. And it's not a suburb.
And I was like, okay. Like, he wanted me to do the math on it for some reason. I just wasn't going to. I was like, Okay, well, since I don't know where you live, it's not my fault if I see you anywhere, okay?
And then he's like, you know, I do think about you sometimes.
And I was like, Okay!
I don't remember exactly how, but he said that he wanted to keep in touch and help me. I can't quite remember just— you know, he also, at the time had fashioned himself, like, a self-help writer, I guess, even though I'd never seen him carry a pen or a notebook. And he bought a bunch of self-help type books, including the art of not giving a fuck(?) when we were shopping for underwear. He saw a bookstore in the same plaza, and he offered to buy me magazines or books. And a little part of me was like, Oh, he's gonna write about me in his book.

Our conversations picked up. After about two weeks of talking on the phone for, like hours, like we used to, I said, Look, I asked him to try again. And he came down that night to see me. And we sat in his car outside my house, just like we had other times. And at one point, he asked me if I liked roller coasters. And I was like, Oh, maybe he's gonna take me to Six Flags.
When it got to the point where I wanted to discuss, like, what was actually going on with us, he said, Do you know why I asked you about roller coasters?
And I guessed, because you want to gauge my desire for thrills and variety?
And he said, No, because it's about facing fears.
And I said, Okay...
And he goes, coming here tonight is like facing one of my fears.
And I said, Okay, so we're not going to Six Flags?

And the truth is that, gosh, despite all of this drama, like, again, he was so fucking funny. And he was always there when I needed him, whether it was job advice, or an emergency, such as when I got some bad news about a friend and he drove in rush hour traffic to come pick me up from my central downtown work location, and then took me to McDonald's.
He was asking if I had started dating again, and I said, Yeah, but nothing's really worked out right now. He kept pushing me for details, and the truth is that I had just been broken up with in like, the most awkward way. Like, this was dramatic, but that breakup was goofy. Then, before I started dating that guy, I'd been raped by somebody I'd met on Tinder.
And he was like, like actually raped.
And I was like, yeah, actually raped. Unlike you, motherfucker.
So he did come through in a pinch. And that was the most confusing part is like, sometimes— How can you be so emotionally unavailable to me, but then literally drop everything and drive through rush hour? How romantic like that, but then not in other ways?

I don't remember how I brought it up, but I lamented that he was afraid of me. And that's what was keeping us apart—Like since you're afraid of me— you know, because if you follow the logic that I did trigger him, then he had some kind of weird fear deep down inside of him. And it seemed like he was approaching me with caution, like a little hurt baby animal. Yeah, that was the universe and character he had established. But he really hated the idea of feeling weak, you know what I mean? And so, he scoffed at me, and he's like, I'm not afraid of you. He scoffed with a smile like insulted, Like… And he was like, I am not afraid of you. And he said it so instinctually that I knew that it was true.
And I was kind of stumbling around sort of like, well, okay. So, I said, then why were you so withholding during our relationship? What about all the stuff that happened on the trip? What was all of that about?
And he said, you said you wanted to be sexually dominated, but I wouldn't let him take the lead; I was too eager.
And I was like, that's not what that means. And he seemed genuinely confused, honestly. And I was relieved. Because to me, it meant that all along, he thought that he was playing the game.
The problem is, at this point, I was pretty sure that he was seeing somebody else because it had been a couple of months. I even wondered what stories he told her about me, the way that he told me stories about his ex-wife. I'm sure if I asked him, he would scoff at me and tell me that he doesn't mention me at all.

One night I asked him if he could talk. He was at a bar, but he stepped out to give me a call. And I was like, what are you doing? You know, it's so unlike him. I don't think he knew anything about me, honestly. He just kept making random assumptions based on stereotypes. But I knew him so well. But that's just what I do when I care about somebody, I dig into their details. And I knew that he didn't like bars, but he was at a birthday party. And I said, oh, well, we should probably talk some other time then because I don't want to bring your night down at all, or give you anything awkward to think about.
And he was like, okay?

I don't know what he thought that I was actually going to say, but he agreed and we talked another day: If you can talk to me and you still like me, then why don't we give it another shot? I said, you know, you don't have to answer me right now. But now that that's out there, please recognize that that is my intention to avoid any further confusion. I am not in this just to be friends. I want to get back together. I invited him to a show with me, but I didn't buy him a ticket. And he never came, he claimed again to be sick.

When I got a new job, like, fucking far in the other direction from where we first met, he picked me up from work on one of my first days of training. It was getting close to my birthday and I was planning my party, so I asked if he was going to be in town. He said he wasn't sure, he might be, because somebody else also asked him to stay for New Year's.
And he let it hang there like I was supposed to ask who. But what the fuck did I care? We weren't together. And in fact, the things that I had invited him to, he just didn't come to. So I wanted to know if he was coming to my birthday, or else I was going to invite the guy that I had just met the other night. (That guy also didn't come to my birthday party. But we've been together for five years.)
He told me that he was considering moving back to his hometown to be closer to his teenage set of kids and his first babymama. And he had been traveling back and forth, basically since we broke up. Supposedly, I don't really know. I can't verify.
At one point, he asked if I would go with him. His offer was that he knew somebody who owned a salon that he thought I would like. And until I got situated, he was going to take care of things financially. And he said, sometime after the New Year. But he was probably going to be back in town for the holidays, because someone else wanted him to be around.
I know that he expected me to ask who I didn't care who, he had just asked me to move away with him. I told him I needed time to think about it. But the truth is that I wasn't going to go. I'd moved out here for specific reasons. And I wasn't nearly done with anything I needed to do. And also, I know that if I were to go back to that city, I would only want to live in a few specific areas. And quite frankly, I do not think that he could have provided that. I'm not saying that I could either. But that's why I don't live there.

When I turned him down, he seemed surprised. I guess he thought that I would uproot everything for him. I had a close friend at the time that I was bouncing this whole situation off of, and he thought that there was no option to move, there was no offer. Just like he also thought that there actually wasn't a molestation.
Considering some of this stuff I knew that that friend of mine was capable of pulling… Well, I knew he was on the dark side, and I knew he was right. But it didn't matter because I said no. And when Bruce asked me why, I told him, you are inviting me, but this isn't a plan that we're making together. This isn't a future. We aren't in a relationship of any kind. You're just asking me to do something for you. And I didn't really know why because it's not as though, again, it's not as though we were together. Did this mean that you wanted a future with me? Well, then we'd have to discuss it. But you're moving.

One afternoon when I had gotten off of work early, I had invited my new boyfriend, who is my current man, I'd invited him out to karaoke. And well… He never responded, because I guess I just kind of put up with that behavior sometimes, huh? But while I was there waiting to hear back, I met this guy who looked so similar to Bruce, except he was wearing a micro fleece sports neck thing from Old Navy. He looked so similar to Bruce, that he could have been if-like-if Bruce had a cousin from Iowa. And so I tell Bruce this, I say, Hey, I just met this guy who looks like you.
And Bruce is like, send me a picture. And I send him a picture. And he is fucking angry. And I am tickled. Honestly, I think it's so fucking funny because I told him, I said like, if you had a cousin from Iowa, that's how you look alike. I didn't say that you'd so resemble each other like that. You look like you could be cousins from Iowa. Why is that so insulting?
And he said, you sent me a picture of an ugly man. You told me I looked like an ugly man.
And I was like, you know I don't think you're ugly. That's so annoying. But anyway. And that was kind of like… I was kind of getting over the idea of being friends with him because honestly, he couldn't take a fucking joke anymore. And besides, I was on to dating this new guy, and that was kind of going well, sometimes.

One night when I was on the way to meet my man out at the karaoke bar, I was on FaceTime with Bruce. And he had started growing his hair out; It looked awful— Like this is something about men, that I just can't stand the certain haircuts they get. They're so bad. And he was just like, just had the stringiest hair. Like, when I was dating him, he had a shaved head, which apparently was an alteration that his ex baby mama wife made. And now he was growing his hair out. I guess he had found himself. And I was like— which is funny, because now my man has honestly, the most majestic hair I've ever seen; Quite the Samson is he. So, interesting that I liked Bruce when he was bald.
He's naked! I mean, the entire time we were on the phone, he was in the shower. The entire time, I had my eyes averted. I was busy doing other things. I noticed that he was in the shower. I was like, I'll wait till he gets out, and then I can turn to look at him again. I'll just fold my laundry until then. And then he asked me if I wanted to watch him jerk off. It was like, well, I guess he's not afraid of me anymore!
But I said no. No, not tonight. I gotta go to karaoke. And then before he could say anything else, I hung up. But I got to see one second of that stupid look of surprise. Surprise motherfucker, I don't want to see you jerk off!

Towards the end of my contact with Bruce— Of course, I was very into my man, and so I wasn't like, you know, responding and stuff. Towards the end of our conversations, I asked Bruce for a ride to a job interview again.
And he was like, you're manipulating me by asking me for a ride.
And I said, I'm not manipulating you. I'm just asking for a ride. Like what's this fucking attitude about? I also want you to buy me a motorcycle. Like, I would love a motorcycle. That's full honesty. I'm not being manipulative at all. If you choose to show up with a motorcycle tomorrow, that would be fucking rad, but it would be your decision. And I'm pretty sure that pissed him off because he can't afford to buy a motorcycle.
Once things really started to get serious with my man, I text Bruce and I say, hey, I'm gonna delete your number. We aren't friends. So I don't have any reason really to hang on to this. You won't be hearing from me anymore. And then I did.
And the next day, I get a response in like the late afternoon. And it just says, okay, [period]. And I was like, okay. And then I blocked him too.

Obviously, I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I've been with my man for so long now. And I can't even imagine how things would be if Bruce and I were still together, unless he actually came through and bought me a motorcycle and a house. I mean, hey!
Recently, one of my friends was like, gee, what a shame that he let his trauma get in the way of dating you. And I said, honestly, I don't think he has it. I don't think it happened. Friends at the time were kind of like, Are you sure, Jen? Are you sure that this is the case? And I was just like, I don't, you know, I accept. I'm not going to challenge anybody who claims to be a victim of something like that.
But that doesn't mean you get to be fucking weird to me about stuff that's completely goddamn normal. And I'm just going to say, like, if you are with somebody that you don't want to be with physically, don't be with them emotionally either. You are wasting both of your times. You're just not that into the person. Stop forcing it.

I told a rough monologue of this story right after it happened at my friend Gianna's boyfriend's open mic night in a shitty little bar downtown. People are very uncomfortable discussing the idea of challenging sexual trauma and the validity of the behaviors that stem from it. But what do I know?

Part three of A Guy Named Bruce: BRUCE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE coming soon.