Hey guys, it's Jen.
I am sorry I’ve abandoned you. I've had a few technical and emotional difficulties. My health insurance lapsed and I went off the antidepressant that was prescribed to me for nerve pain, which I didn't really think about until I got super depressed and I didn't know why. But now that we're back on track, I— well, I keep forgetting to take it. It's okay though, I'm going to get back to it, I swear.
I just wanted to say that political correctness has officially gone so far that it's come around to being insulting again. You may have seen a video of a woman at a protest, identifying as a counter-protester, stating that she is not afraid to be a counter-protester, insinuating that she is under the threat of violence by going there and being bold like this. But the joke is that nobody's paying attention to her. And you can even hear, like, hippie drums and stuff in the background, which is just so— this is just such a goofy… like, a goofy scene. It's hilarious. And in the comments of this video, somebody said, ah, yes, here we are making fun of a person who appears to have special needs.
I'm sorry, excuse me. Are you calling her retarded? Because I think on this, you and the original poster would agree. However, you think she's special needs, and therefore shouldn't be made fun of…
But you think she's special needs, bro. You think that this is a special needs move. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Political correctness has come all the way back around.
Now! On to my drunk in a hotel room on a business trip at midnight review of a moon pie from the snack bar downstairs.
Hey guys, it's Jen. I am here to discuss with you the flavor [ahem] the flavor of a banana Moon Pie— a Moon Pie— This also says double decker. So, I assure you that based on the labeling on the plastic packet that it is, uh, legit special. I'm going to be honest.
I don't remember the last time I had a moon pie. Um, I think they're usually chocolate cake? Chocolate cookie cake flavored.
Uh, in case you can't hear, and honestly, I'm really curious if you can't. Um, in case you can't hear, I've had three drinks. And personally, I feel that my tongue gets a little hard to maneuver around drink 2.5? It's difficult to say if it's drink 2.5 or 1.5, it's halfway through the second drink that I order? Um, they just— my mouth is asleep and there's nothing I can do. And then the rest of my body eventually follows, but that might not be until the third drink or the fifth drink. I just have really, easily malleable mouth tissue. Save your jokes.
I forgot. Moon pie, that's where we were. I totally fucking forgot what the fuck I was even talking about when I was explaining how drunk I was, which is how drunk I am. Uh, banana flavored moon pie.
Okay, so I had the first bite and that's made me decide to start recording, is because this doesn't taste like any banana flavor that you've had before. Um, and truly I love banana flavor, even though a lot of people complain that banana flavor does not taste like a banana.
And that is true. The banana flavor that is in our candies is a synthetic of the essence of the banana that became popular in North America in, I want to say the forties or fifties. Um, and popular perhaps is a misnomer, a symbol of tropical luxury. The bananas became, and the banana then was different than the banana we know now. The banana we had then was called the Gros Michel, spelled French. So it's fun: Le Groos Meeshel.
But now we have, I don't even know what kind of bananas we have now. Honestly, I forgot, but they basically taste like, um, they taste like plain. And if they're too green, they taste like grass. And, um, yeah, I feel like they've been genetically modified to, um, have more flesh, but the flesh is less flavorful. Um, up until that very last day when they're just on the perfect end of speckled. But then if you let them get too speckled, they're rotted.
Oh, I forgot where I was. And I just took a second bite of this banana moon pie to remind me… that, Oh, this is where I am.
I… Hmm. The frosting coats your mouth… First of all, the frosting tastes like butterscotch. It does not taste like Gros Michel or any other banana flavor you may have experienced before. This tastes like molasses. This is a very natural, deeply caramelized sugar flavor.
I feel like I've maybe had this caramelized banana flavor once before, and it's just wrong. It doesn't taste like old banana flavor and it doesn't taste like current banana flavor. I remember though, that I wanted to explain to people who may have been upset that I said bananas have been genetically modified to have more flesh, but less flavor. Um…
Genetically modified foods have been happening for a very long time and everybody needs to calm their tits about what genetically modified actually means. It doesn't mean that, um, the food was implanted by aliens; and it doesn't mean that the food is made of plastic. Um, or what, honestly, whatever the fuck else, anybody who's concerned— incorrectly! concerned about genetic modification is concerned about.
Unless you are concerned about the right of independent farmers, in which case genetic modification is a huge issue because a lot of the time seeds have been modified to only last one harvest and to not be, um, I guess perennial, which means re-blooming every year. They say annual, but annual means once a year and then the plant dies and you have to replant it.
Source: I grew up in my flower shop. I may splice in my aunt Lydia right here to give you definitions from a professional who went to business school, if you don't trust me.
Anyway, back to independent farmers and GMO; that is where the primary concern lies, is that independent farmers— and honestly, even us who want to grow our own crops on our own land, we cannot because if you look at, um, even marijuana crop, you cannot grow. There is not a seed-bearing crop any longer. Everything has been selectively bred and modified so that you can no longer harvest your own goods. And that is the only concern at this time that I see for GMO foods as somebody who truly has no agricultural experience, but, um, probably neither do you.
However, as I may have stated recently, I'm on a government contract. So I know a lot of things about the way things work, and the way things are qualified. And, um, man, do I have things to say!
But anybody who's concerned about genetic modification, because it does anything to the human body, is just so vastly— so broadly and wildly incorrect, that I don't think that anything I say could fix that. So, I won't. So, live in fear, I don't give a fuck. Back to the banana flavor.
This is a double decker moon pie? Okay. So. The cake itself is also infused… It's so hard to differentiate because gosh, the coating— I don't even, I guess maybe it's an icing, perhaps— Not a frosting, but an icing— on these cookies is, um, so strong with incorrect banana flavor… The marshmallow filling, or as we might say, frosting— Oh, really quick: I got wrapped up in this a while ago.
Layman's terms, the difference between frosting and icing: is that icing is like a very thin layer of a sugary concoction that coats and crackles; And frosting is like that kind of visible opacity— opaqueness? of like strawberry pink color, or whhaite vanilla color, that's a frosting.
Frosting basically has like a thickness and an opacity and, uh, icing is, is clear like ice. It's clear and crackly like ice. I hope that makes sense.
This, I would say has some kind of shelf stable, uh, amalgam of the two that tastes like molasses banana, which is not a real thing, but it's really unfortunate. But I was onto the filling situation, the filling-frosting, which is… Hmm. Is it marshmallow? Honestly, this banana, this mola-banana is so overpowering—
I just remembered that I had a pizza here. Holy shit, you guys. I just looked down at my side table and there is a pepperoni pizza with one bite taken out of it also. It's not as though I was going to do a flavoring of that— a flavoring— a taste test of that.
The reason that I'm eating a moon pie is because it was the only one left in a jar full of York Peppermint Patties. And I felt really bad for the family that owns this hotel, that they're like, we can't get rid of this one goddamn terribly flavored banana moon pie. 290 calories. Based on the tug of the filling, it is supposed to be marshmallow. Chemically, I just don't think it is.
Somehow I got to the point where I forgot that I had sat down to take a couple bites of the banana snack, and review it before I ate the rest of my pepperoni pizza. And boy, I sure do feel like an idiot now because my pizza is cold.
I'm going to keep smoking weed.
[~*guitar solo*~]
Banana Moon Pie Review