One of the reasons— Hi it's Jen. One of the reasons that I wanted to create this space for myself to express my opinions is specifically because I have a lot of unpopular opinions. I don't mean in the political sense, although I feel like I see a lot of nuance that other people don't. Anyway, I'm not going to get into that. I have a lot of unpopular opinions about irrelevant things [that] people who have the popular opinion get really fucking fired up about. And this is a part where I considered whether or not I should change the name of this band, but I won't because I wrote it already, first of all. And second of all, it's just an opinion.
My opinion is that Postmodern Jukebox is a red flag. If you like them, you probably only like them and other pop-anachronistic retro acts, probably only like that kind of stuff. And there is a very cosplay thing going on there, like you're not existing in reality.
I actually, I tried, I could have sworn that several years ago that somebody had written somewhat of a blind item about Puddles with some accusations, but of course I can't find them now. And I can only do my own research so far before I reach the end of the relevant Reddit search results. The first time I saw them on YouTube, I said, oh, that's like a Vegas thing. Like it's a very dinner theater thing, which I'm sure they wouldn't mind hearing. They are not the kind of thing that should sell out auditoriums, they should be served alongside $65 steak.
Something that I've come across though, is that dudes specifically— and here we go, I do not care that I'm a misandrist, you people made me this way. Dudes specifically seem to have something really, really wrong with them. My classmate Gianna was like, oh my God, I know. I feel like I'm the only one who didn't like them. And for so long, people would look at me [funny]. I'm going to be honest, I don't think any hot chicks like this band. I blame the surprise on Gianna being one of those pinup girls, like the kind of fun retro woman who's supposed to like an act where tap dancing is used in place of vocals. But truly people have said some bizarre things about the band that tell me that they're living in a delusion.
I once texted a guy I was dating a love song from the radio, the way that sharing songs on iMessage had become the new mixtape. And I get back like very long, long three dot, long time three dot. And then I just receive: Interesting. I didn't think you liked that song. When I asked why he thought that, he told me that he played it for me once or twice in the car and I reacted negatively to it.
And I was like, well, I don't know, I don't think I've ever heard you play that song.
And then he said, I played the Postmodern Jukebox cover of this several times. Okay, well, they ruined the song. Like I don't know what to fucking tell you. How am I supposed to recognize it?
Sometimes I think it comes down to appreciating talent over output. There was a guy I never met, but only spoke to on Bumble who, they were his favorite band. And I don't remember if I offered a blog style opinion outright, or if I just eventually said, oh yeah, I'm not really into them. Because the thing is when somebody has, like, a favorite thing or a thing they really like a lot, they want to share it with you, and they want you to be as excited about it. And I just don't have the energy to pretend, for a stranger, to be interested in the thing that I specifically do not like. He said, why don't you like them? They're so talented.
I'm like, yeah, I guess they are very talented. It doesn't mean that I like them. I like the variety of the songs that they turn into one style of song.
And he goes, oh, interesting. I would have thought there was something there for everyone amongst the variety.
I just told you there's no variety. I think that they have some kind of like neurological processing defect where varieties are categorized differently and wrong. Like, the variety of pop songs that they have covered and ruined does not dynamism make. Like, especially if you have a shtick, like making things sound old and cutesy. And shtick actually negates variety in total, because it puts everything in a bubble or under a specific banner or wrapper. Anyway, red flag for the fans of Postmodern Jukebox. I don't want to hear it.
To continue with my negative thoughts, which is really just, you know, me being a bitch… I wanted to talk about icky things guys do when it comes to, like, socializing. For some reason— And look, this doesn't apply to my man, because my man can dance and boy is he fucking cute when he does. If there's any guy out there listening to this and they're kind of wondering what they did wrong with a girl who was a sure thing, it is probably that you danced. It is probably that you tried to dance and you did it badly. Her poussoir slammed shut, vaulted and locked itself.
For some reason earlier today, the many ways men have danced like birds of paradise through my life came into my head today. And the ways that I think, I think I have the best resolution— And this is of course all heteronormative speak, but I do think it has something to do with the way the genders are socialized, in that a lot of men, particularly straight ones, but I guess if you're just a more masculine person in your presentation or relationship style, then this might apply to you too, but I'm just going to say men, okay? Deal.
A lot of men aren't socialized to dance, to have rhythm. Not even musicians necessarily can dance well. And so when somebody does, it is very attractive. And it's not attractive because you think, oh, they must be good in bed. It's because of how rare, in fact, it actually is, somebody who can dance well.
That's why you see a lot of videos of girls dancing alone in a circle and then screaming when guys approach them. Honestly, it's because girls are living in their music video fantasy dream, superstars to the song. If a guy comes in there, he just fucks it up. Just let her be a superstar, man. Wait till she's done being a superstar, let her come down back to earth, and then you can say, you looked really great out there, not that I was watching for too long or anything.
This has actually happened to me twice. I once brought a guy home to continue doing drugs primarily, but also maybe to screw around, right? I was at this point, this Natalie Portman-esque point, this Garden State of mind where I was obsessed with this particular song and I wanted to play it for everybody because I thought it would change their lives. Anytime I would play it, I would start dancing because it's a good song. But now, whenever I play the song, I think about this guy that I brought home who started dancing with me and just ruining my fucking vibe. Like I was dancing in my living room and he got up— he had the fucking nerve to get up and start dancing, too. It came off as so fake in a theatrical sense, that he was almost like doing jumping jacks around me and stuff. You know, not dancing, just doing tricks. And I can't stand when people do that. I think that if you can't dance, you should sit the fuck down. I ran out of drugs and I didn't sleep with him, and that's how his night went.
No, the more I think about it, the more I think that a guy trying to dance his way into a woman's heart, it has a higher likelihood of backfiring than he's even aware of. And I don't think it's because all guys think they're slick; I think it's because they think we're not shallow. And we are.
There was a time that a friend of a... I was going to hook up with a friend of a friend. Like, it was going to happen, we had gone to a second location, we were about to go to a third. There was really good music playing at this nicer cocktail bar, (speaking of negativity) and I wanted to go out onto the dance floor. There was really good music playing, and I didn't just want to dance on this guy while he sat. But when I headed toward the dance floor, he followed me and danced… like a robot?… I don't honestly know what the fuck was happening, but it shouldn't have happened. And I pushed him back onto his stool and I said, look, I'm going home with you no matter what, but you just have to let me live in this song right now. And do not ruin it by dancing poorly near me. Don't do that. And it worked. I kept my word. I sure as shit went home with that motherfucker. He could not dance, but he sure could do other things. See, again, why I do not think... I do not think that there is a correlation between dancing and other things.
Nothing is worse— I keep saying... I'll say nothing is worse about so many things. So many things are below everything else, as far as worseness goes. I'm sure women will agree with me: It's a real big ick when a guy just enters your dancing space, and then starts to dance off rhythm? You know a guy is a bad dancer when they don't dance toward you. They walk toward you and then try to start dancing. And I feel like a lot of women who've been approached by bad dancers will know exactly what I'm talking about. Now that I think about it, my man has a tendency more to dance toward me than anything else, which is really, really hot. With him, I think I'm the bad dancer, so I don't, I just watch him dance instead. Definitely be aware of your space and don't be one of those people who clears their perimeter. Lame when that happens.
I don't know why I'm just giving advice now. I'm really just talking about things that have happened to me. These are literally all... Like one time, this guy was actually a very good— He was a good dancer, that was very hot. What was not so hot is that he tried to back people away from him so that he could continue— Because I started smiling and clapping, enjoying his performance, he thought I needed to see a bigger one. I didn't.
This is going to be a big old negative episode. I've actually been thinking about this since Jones got a car ran through it. But man, some places are popular and beloved, and I just didn't get it. I'll start with Jones. Not that I ever wished that a car would go through them, but I was almost like, finally somebody agrees with me.
That's so shitty. I had never really heard of the place, but the people that I ended up being invited to meet up with, and the people surrounding those people all seemed to be terrible people, although of clashing varieties. Turns out the person I was with was also a terrible person, but that's a story for another time.
And the bathroom has got nudies in it; Like, girls at a barbecue in the park in the 80’s with her tits out, all over the walls. It's weird. I even had to ask somebody after I went, I said, was I just bizarrely hallucinating and angry about whatever? Or are there tits in the bathroom?
And he was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, for sure.
And I was like, what the fuck is, who's that for? I just, you know, pin up stuff, I'm a little over anyway, but like, this isn't even art. This is, this is like the, like the Hustler era of like natural, the first round of like naturalist porn where everybody's just like, this is how I am. These are my tits. This is my bush. That's what's on the walls. And I'm just like, I don't, I don't need that along with my supposed Italian food.
I didn't get to eat anything because for some reason this party I was with, it was this girl's birthday and she had never been there. I have no idea who any of these people were, but they all kind of looked like comedians from Wish. Like the birthday girl looked like a Nikki Glaser imitation. And then I looked to my right and there was Tig Notaro, but it wasn't her, obviously— Thank God! I couldn't imagine walking into a restaurant like this and being confronted by people who I find to be very funny and endearing, and then learning that they're all assholes.
But this table full of people sucked to the point that the waitress tried to come by and get drinks and everybody just kind of talked over her and ignored her except— I wanted to drink, but I didn't want to be stuck there for the duration of my beverage, nor the duration that it would take to figure out how to close out this tab. So I didn't drink anything the whole time, not even Coke, not even water.
But the waitress came by and offered us bread, assuming that me and my friend who invited me to this bizarre birthday affair, assuming that we were the people that they were waiting for, to finally fucking order. Before she could even nod the bread toward us, this girl who is dressed like Sporty Spice yells, no, no, I'm gluten intolerant! And I was like, what the fuck are we doing in an Italian restaurant? Right? It's an Italian place, you guys?
Anyway, I don't like that place. I mean, I don't have the energy to go through a bizarre drama every time I go to a place, and I feel like that's what that joint is. Other tables were yelling for the girl to blow out her cake, presumably not gluten free cake. And she was just twirling her hair around, very long hair. And I was afraid that it was going to get caught by the candles. It didn't. But people were yelling like, blow out your fucking candles— Blow it out! and things like that from a distance. And so, I mean, it was just a lot of people being purposefully obtuse and also confrontational. Very bizarre environment. And very dark, I remember not being able to walk very well in there, and I love a dim room.
But yeah, maybe that's just me. But that's the first place that made me think about this. And another place that just came up the other night at a friend's birthday gathering… They wanted to go to a bar and there's this bar called the 4100 that has the most cramped, cave-like— And I feel like orange lighting, so it feels like you're also inside a pizza oven. Am I crazy? And it's in a circle, so at a certain point, you're in there for good, you can't get out. And it's so packed and the tables are small. I only went there once and obviously never again. But people talk about this bar like it is the place to be. I mean, and judging by how crowded it was, it obviously is the place to be. But I don't know why.
I remember that I had ordered, gosh, perhaps a rum and [diet] coke is what I was drinking at the time. And I got a double in a pint glass and I was only charged a little bit, which sounds like I should like this bar. So I will give you that if the bartender thinks you're cute, he's very likely to hook you up with drinks. On the other side of it, the guy I was seeing at the time went up to order a drink for me, and he came back with the dinkiest little cocktail glass I'd ever seen. Nothing really annoys— I wanna— One thing I am very annoyed by is no serving standard, or and even like, if the establishment has a bizarre serving standard…
Like, OK, here we go— These are just things that have bothered me about bars in general. This this actually has— is in Vegas. There is some punk rock bar in Vegas that everybody fucking shits their pants about. And by everybody, I mean like four people I know. And it's just, I guess, the punk rock establishment of Vegas. And I think it's funny to say punk rock and establishment in the same sentence. It's decorated with stickers. Cool, man. Otherwise, like and I have to ask, I don't remember if I thought the coke lines were clean.
This is another thing. If the soda pop lines aren't clean— Burgundy Room— I don't I don't like it. It changes the way even just a single mixer drink tastes, and that's no good. Dirty lines, they taste like Flintstones vitamins. There are so many popular places that are guilty of that, like Burgundy Room.
Well, anywhere I go, if I if I can taste the lines, I'm not a fan of them. Why are there so many fucking dive bars here, that that's like the thing to do? I hate a dive bar. I don't like environments that are shitty. I don't think it's twee, I don't think it's fun. I feel like everybody in this city is an alcoholic in some kind of way, and so their standards are very low. I'm trying to think of what I would find the most acceptable level of dive bar.
Recently, this one woman said Frank and Hanks. And I was like, I hate that place. And she was like, yeah? And it kind of sounded like I wanted to fight her, and I felt really bad about it. I couldn't really tell her why I hated it, so I shouldn’t have said anything at all. But that's why I'm saying it here.
And it's not like you're ever going to see me in any of these places. You know, like who the fuck cares if I say this now? It's not like I'm ever going to go there and have to worry about it.
Yeah, there are places that people like specifically because they're uncomfortable, and I don't know what the appeal of that is. Like whenever somebody is like, oh, this bar’s so small, there's only room for like four people. I can't stand that. And then so there's always a line, and then you feel like you're in a rush to get your drink and then get out. And then what do you do, get back in the line? I don't even understand. My dead green card husband worked at the worst offender of them all, as far as popularity— Oh, you know what I also don't get is like ironic strip clubs, like Jumbos or that place I cannot remember in Atlanta because I'd never been to it, with that woman who crushes the cans between her tits. Viscerally painful for me, I can't even imagine it. And I've actually met her, she knew my cousin. I'm not saying I dislike her, she's actually really funny. But like, I don't want to see her crush it with her tits, man. Like, I don't get the novelty of this. And kind of like with Jumbos, people are always like, oh, well, it's not actually a strip club. It's just, there's just women. And I'm like, OK, but they’re still objects, dude.
Like, what the fuck? And also, I hate going to places where there's a performance. Like, I don't want to pay attention. The coffee shop with a guitar player or it's a girl who's not stripping. I'm just not interested in being somewhere where there's a performance happening in the corner. Like, I could just stay home and watch TV.
Oh, yeah, but the place where my dead green card husband works, I don't know if anybody out there has ever been to the Rainbow. The food is honestly rad, they've got a lot of stuff and it's all pretty good. The interior is crappy as all crap, and you will break a leg on the staircase. And for that, I don't like it. And also, again, with like the in crowd thing, like the last time I was at the Rainbow was for his funeral party. Nobody came.
So bars I do like, I like a cocktail lounge. I guess I'm a bougie bitch. Um, I like low seating, low tables, low lights. Fifteen dollar, fifteen ingredient beverages, and then poured over a single cube, garnished with a hibiscus.
There are places that I think people would consider dive bars that I think make a pretty good drink like the Prince. No, not the Prince. That place. Actually, there is a pretty good drink there. It's like the Prince Cocktail is really good. But when you leave there, you smell like the food, like, you just smell like chicken. It smells— you smell bad, and I cannot handle smelling like chicken. It's just not something I'm willing to do, so I have to miss out on the Prince Cocktail.
The HMS Bounty is the one I'm thinking of. People, I guess, it seems to me that the people who go to dive bars also frequent the HMS. So in some ways, I guess it could be considered a dive bar. They do have plaques commemorating long time customers. They've got their assigned stools, basically, very cheers like. The first time I saw it in reality, I was really depressed by it. I thought like, man, the commemoration, the commemoration. I wonder if the bar's commemoration is the only one they got because they spent all their time here.
And I know that a lot of people think that it's cool to be a regular. I used to, too. But what I did was instead I seated myself at places and then I kind of just became known instead of being a regular. And that way, it's a little more affordable.
I don't like a lot of bars that are too popular. I don't like a crowded joint. It's not even about COVID or anything. I just prefer not to have to squeeze around and stuff. Just in case my purse is real big or something. Oh, and I especially love the bar in a nice restaurant, because you can always get some kind of good limited menu; It's not like you need a lot to go along with your very good drink. I like a rooftop, I like a patio.What is that? What are you eating? Hey. Oh, no. Boney. Boney, did you just eat plastic? What the shit?
I prefer if a place has food. A bar that would otherwise be my favorite because you can smoke in the back. It doesn't have any food. And so, it's not worth it for me to sit there for very long. And I know that they're like, oh, there's all this food in the area... Maybe I should try that sometime.
I used to love, love, love a hotel bar. The first one I ever really started hanging out in was… I want to say the Living Room at the W in Atlanta. But I feel like there was one before that that I can't quite recall. Oh, I also love a TexMex restaurant. Hotel bars have kind of fallen out of favor for me. Whole families go there for dinner now, the lighting has gotten brighter. They've put TVs in to watch sports, and I just hate the crowd that that caters to. Like, I think if a dude is— needs his fucking— needs to suck his titty football, that he can do it in the room by himself, because I think it's one of the most antisocial things you can do. I don't like any bar that has like TVs for sports. But, you know, I realize that all all of them do, so I've dealt with it in many situations.
There used to be this bar called Busby's, it closed during the pandemic. I really liked it because it had an arcade inside of it. It had an arcade and mini golf, but it also had a ton of TVs that played, like, videos of children and animals getting yeeted into space, as the kids say. And I just— sometimes it was funny. And then sometimes it was not funny. And everybody has a different tolerance for for what, everybody's got a different line for what that is. Of course, it was very distracting. And all we would do is, like, talk about what is occurring on the screen, instead of talking about something new with each other and, like, being present in the room.
And that's really my primary complaint about TV in bars, especially the ones that show like something goofy and niche, like old old aerobics videos or something? That's even more distracting and annoying. I guess it keeps people there longer. Probably gives the drunk something to stare at.
Bars are a great litmus test.
[~*guitar solo*~]
Trilogy of Negativity, Vol. 1